


statues of ourselves

by januarys



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2014-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/januarys/pseuds/januarys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. The streetlight reflected against the surface of the downy, if crumpled feathers and it was as though the light was coming from them. Each individual quill radiated sheer warmth, and Kaidan just wanted to run his fingers through the length of Shepard’s wingspan. Which was not normal because humans having wings was not<i> normal.</i></p><p>In which Shepard is a guardian angel, and Kaidan is his charge.</p><p>(Now with gorgeous art by <a href="http://rhapsody4u.deviantart.com/">Rhapsody4u!</a>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rescuer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PetitAvocat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetitAvocat/gifts).



> AU's are my favourite things _ever_ , and I thought 'why not write cocky angel!Shepard and 500% done with everything!Kaidan who is also his charge'. Is that a recipe for a quirky and awkward romantic comedy or what? 
> 
> This entire story is dedicated to [Jo](http://archiveofourown.org/users/PetitAvocat). Without her, I wouldn't have been to grow as a writer. Her encouragement and lovely words are the reason why I will never give up on these two. I love you, darling!

Kaidan was having a bad day.

More like he was having a bad _life_ , but there was a calendar on his wall which exclaimed in bold letters that ‘IT COULD BE WORSE’, so that was his perspective on things. Besides, when you knew people like Joker then it _definitely_ ‘could be worse’.

Not like Joker was too fussed about his situation; the man cracked more jokes about his brittle bones than Kaidan felt comfortable hearing about.

Anyway, Kaidan was having a bad day. His alarm had neglected to go off in the morning, causing him to miss his bus. Then he realised halfway to work on a crowded bus that he had left his portfolios on his bathroom counter, which was _bad_ because Udina was going to hand Kaidan’s ass back to him and he didn’t really want that.

On top of that, the second he had settled at his desk with a promise to himself that _‘it’ll get better, it’ll get better’_ , Udina had burst out of his office positively _outraged_ at Kaidan. Whether he was outraged _at_ Kaidan, or at Kaidan’s _existence_ , he wasn’t too sure.

So work had been hell, the coffee pot resembled thick sludge by time Kaidan had torn himself away from his desk, and having to start fresh on the portfolios that were sitting innocently on his bathroom counter back at home had caused him to miss the last evening bus.

As he was standing at the bus stop, the red tail lights of his only way home disappearing around the block, Kaidan came to the conclusion that he was having a fantastically _shit_ day. Glancing at the bus timetable and trying to ignore the pressure building behind his eyes, Kaidan turned tail and decided to walk back to his apartment. By the time the next bus arrived, he would _probably_ be home.

It could be worse.

The Vancouver evening was another chilly one, and Kaidan tucked his hands into his pockets. Leaves crunched beneath his shoes, bringing back a sense of normality with each step, and Kaidan was halfway back to a cup of coffee and a warm bed when he realised his day was about to get even worse.

His calendar always had something against him.

 

*

The small group of people crowding him against the streetlamp would have been laughable to Kaidan if he didn’t fear for his life in that moment. While Kaidan could hold his own in a sparring match against Jacob down at the gym, he wasn’t enough of an idiot to—

Shit, was one of them holding a _knife_?

He cleared his throat, the cold metal of the streetlamp at his back seeping past his jacket. “Look, you guys don’t have to do this.”

“On that, we’ll disagree.” The man holding the goddamn _knife_ chuckled. “Do we disagree with the man, fellas?”

A murmur of agreement floated around the group, the Knife Guy stepped closer. The steel of the blade glinted dangerously beneath the glow of the streetlight. Kaidan held his breath, sweat breaking out on his forehead, and discreetly tried to press himself further into the streetlight.

Knife Guy’s chuckle was low and dangerous. He twirled the knife in his fingers expertly, before maintaining a firm grip on the handle. “So we can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”

“I’d prefer the easy way.” Kaidan choked.

“Well,” The guy rested the knife against Kaidan’s collar, and Kaidan held back the gasp. “The easy way is that we beat the shit out of you and rob you for all you’re worth on the spot.”

“Sh-should I ask about the hard way?”

“We rob you for all you’re worth on the spot, and _then_ leave you for dead.”

Kaidan contemplated his words for a moment, trying to appear thoughtful and definitely _not_ terrified. “They don’t sound any different.”

A collective chuckle rose from the group. “We have a smartass here, Boss.”

“Definitely seems that way.”

“ _And_ I think he would prefer to do it the hard way.”

“Oh no,” Kaidan squeaked. “The easy way sounds more appealing, and you’d probably be able to get home quicker as well.” _He’d_ probably live long enough to get home, if he could control his tongue.

In a flash, two of the men grabbed Kaidan’s arms to hold him in place, and he automatically struggled against their grip. Then he felt the sharp edge of the blade against his throat, teasing against the skin, and Kaidan stopped struggling. He met Knife Guy’s gaze head on, the terror building in his chest.

Knife Guy moved closer to Kaidan, his gaze on the knife almost alluring. “It’ll probably be quicker to do it this way, really.”

Kaidan remained silent, the knife dangerously close to slicing his skin with each movement.

“Oh, run out of words have you?” Knife Guy chuckled. “Good. More fun that way.”

He pressed the edge of the blade further into Kaidan’s skin, and Kaidan closed his eyes. He saw a whole number of things in the darkness. Little things, like how the breeze was cool against his cheeks, how the material of his jacket tickled the raised hairs on his arms, the unanswered voicemail from his mother on his cell phone—

 _It could be worse_.

A few seconds passed, and Kaidan opened his eyes again. Unconsciously, he tilted his neck back slightly, as though to offer more of neck to the blade, and resigned himself to his fate.

Then something—no, _someone_ fell out of the trees to his right and everyone’s attention, including Knife Guy, snapped to the figure straightening himself up to full height. He was tall enough, with broken shadows from the branches hiding what he really looked like.

Kaidan saw his eyes though, sharp and impossibly _blue_ , and they flashed with… mischief?

No time to think about what _that_ meant. Kaidan didn’t register the smirk on the strangers face, taking advantage of the distraction to head butt the side of Knife Guy’s face and wriggle out of his lackey’s slack grip. It all happened at once, the uprising roar of the six thugs, the pressure behind his skull throbbing with the previous head butt, and just how _fast_ the stranger’s movements were.

He seemed to _glide_ around the group, his fighting style almost like a graceful street brawl. His strong hands weaved in and out of the thugs, simultaneously grabbing one in a headlock while gripping another’s jaw and throwing him to the side like a rag doll. Kaidan winced at the dull _crack_ against the pavement.

The thug in the headlock roared, fingers scrambling against the slick leather jacket holding his neck in place, and the stranger _laughed_. Then there was a squeeze, a choke, and the other man loosened his hold to let the twitching criminal fall to the sidewalk.

There was a collective silence, and despite everything that had happened, Kaidan was pretty sure his mouth was wide open. The stranger straightened up, dusted his hands, and turned to face the remaining four hoodlums gathered around Kaidan. He eyed the knife in Knife Guy’s hand, and raised an eyebrow.

“You’re just _trying_ to make this fun, aren’t you?” His voice was clouded with amusement.

Nobody moved a muscle.

He sighed and took a step forward.

Knife Guy shrieked before shoving past his friends and high-tailing it down the street. The other hoodlums followed, pausing only to skirt around the stranger to grab the other two thugs sprawled around the small area. He watched them go, a shit-eating grin on his face and a mocking wave at their retreating backs.

Kaidan’s heart was beating rapidly against his chest because _he was almost killed_ , and he rested his hands against his trembling knees, trying to pull himself together again. He rubbed a hand against his throat, still feeling the cold steel against his skin, before levelling up to face his rescuer.

 _Rescuer_ —God, he sounded like a damsel in distress. Maybe he should expect the stranger to sweep him off his feet and ravish him against silken sheets.

Not that Kaidan would have _minded_ , as the other man stepped completely into the light of the streetlamp, because okay, _wow_. All those hard angles, the freckles scattered across his skin, and a small scar leading into a buzzed scalp. Damn, it should be illegal for someone to be _that_ attractive while doing something as _unattractive_ as battling a group of hoodlums.

Except that it _was_ attractive, what with how the stranger’s bright eyes flashed with excitement, his muscles rippling underneath his leather jacket with his movements, and the crooked smirk on his face as he approached Kaidan.

“Hey,” He said softly. “You okay?”

Kaidan nodded dumbly, the words stuck in his throat. “Uh, yeah. Just a little spooked but yeah, I’m fine.”

“Well _that’s_ the biggest lie in the universe.” The stranger laughed and Kaidan narrowed his eyes.

“Fine, how about _you_ try defending yourself against six psychopaths and coming out of that _okay_?”

The other man appeared to be holding back a laugh. “I think I just did.”

Kaidan walked right into that one. He rolled his eyes and adjusted the jacket on his shoulders. “Just who do you think you are? Dropping out of trees and beating up random people,” Kaidan met his eyes. “It’s not normal.”

The other guy shrugged. “Part of the job description, I’m afraid.” He blinked. “And I suppose you can call me Shepard.”

 _Shepard_. Kaidan made a face, not even bothering to hide it. _“_ Okay _Shepard_ , I don’t know who the hell you are—”

“Don’t remind me of Hell,” Shepard shuffled on the spot, rubbing the back of his neck. “Not exactly a nice place.”

Kaidan sniffed. “Now I  _definitely_  think you’re crazy. I’m leaving.”

Turning around to walk away from the deranged  _psychopath_  who had… alright,  _Shepard_ had rescued Kaidan from the group of thugs that decided to follow Kaidan home, and he  _still_  wasn’t sure how Shepard had managed six-on-one. Or, two on one and scaring the _shit_ out of the remaining lot. Whatever.

However Kaidan wasn’t going to question a miracle when it was dropped right in front of him. Literally. Shepard had  _dropped_  down onto the sidewalk from the overhanging tree branches. Weirdo. So while Kaidan was thankful to the possibly  _insane_  man behind him—

Except Shepard was suddenly in front of him, and Kaidan thought his vertigo had come back to haunt him. He blinked and looked over his shoulder, before looking back at Shepard.

“Uh.”

Shepard gave him a lopsided grin. “Yep.”

“How… did you do that?”

It was then that Kaidan noticed the trail of feathers that had gathered at Shepard’s boots. His eyes followed the line of the other man’s jeans under the streetlight, ignoring how they clung to Shepard in  _all_  the right places, before stopping on the hem of Shepard’s leather jacket.

Feathers. There were even  _more_  feathers. All bundled together underneath the crisp leather, splaying outwards in different directions, and some of the brilliant white feathers were crumpled and creased. Kaidan itched to smooth them down—

Wait. The guy had possibly  _half_  of his body weight in feathers practically falling out of his ass. That wasn’t normal. Even if Shepard  _was_  insane.

Shepard noticed Kaidan’s gaze, and raised an eyebrow. “See something you like?”

“Uh no,” Kaidan missed Shepard’s disappointed look. “More like something I don’t understand.”

“Which is?”

“The… feathers. All of the feathers, actually. Did you loot a craft store or…?”

Shepard chuckled deeply, and Kaidan tried to hide his blush from the sound. “If only it were that simple.”

“What do you mean?”

The other man sighed and began to shrug out of his jacket. Kaidan gasped as the feathers suddenly  _expanded_  outwards, like a dove spreading its wings, except  _Shepard_ was spreading  _his_  wings and—

It was  _beautiful_. The streetlight reflected against the surface of the downy, if crumpled, feathers and it was as though the light was coming from  _them_. Each individual quill radiated sheer warmth, and Kaidan just wanted to run his fingers through the length of Shepard’s wingspan.

…Which was not normal because humans having  _wings_  was not normal _._

Kaidan took a step back as Shepard stretched his neck, his leather jacket held between his lax fingers. He met Kaidan’s gaze again and gave another sigh, as if stretching his _wings_  was relaxing.

“What—”

“It’s a long story.”

“I mean,  _what—_ ”

“Hey,” Shepard stepped closer to Kaidan. “ _Breathe,_ Kaidan.”

Kaidan breathed, and then took a step back. “Hang on, how do you know  _my_  name? I never told you it.”

The other man toed at the feathers around his feet, frowning slightly. “Shit… well, uh, this is awkward.” His brilliant blue eyes flashed as he looked at Kaidan again. “Because… I actually know  _everything_  about you.”

Kaidan was rooted to the spot, his heart racing and a million things running through his mind _._ The wings, the endless supply of feathers around them,  _that fact that Shepard knew everything about him?_

 _“_ Who are you?” Kaidan asked.

“Kaidan, look—”

“ _Who are you?_ ”

Shepard let out a breath, his  _wings_  twitching with the movement. He met Kaidan’s inquisitive gaze head on, and Kaidan almost got lost in his ridiculous eyes.

“I’m…” Shepard said softly. “Your guardian angel.”

 

 

 

(art by [Rhapsody4u](http://rhapsody4u.deviantart.com/art/Badass-guardian-angel-377261210))


	2. Skyscrapers

“It’s like you’re trying to make my existence a living hell, Shepard!”

Shepard jerked to the side as Ashley whipped him across the face with the tip of her dark wing. She crossed her arms, baring her teeth at him.

The inhabitants of the skyscraper that they had agreed to meet on top of were blissfully unaware of the powerful entities above them. The building went on for miles, and the humans on the sidewalk going about their daily business were almost like ants to his mind’s eye.

Shepard chuckled as he settled down on the ledge of the construction, legs dangling over the edge, and his wings providing the leverage he needed to stay balanced.

“What did we agree about Hell, Ash?”

He could _feel_ the eye roll. “Not to talk about it.”

“And you just broke the agreement.”

“Shut up,” Ashley shoved him with her shoulder as she joined him on the ledge, her inky black feathers a sharp contrast to his own brilliant white ones. “My insubordination is _nothing_ compared to the can of worms you’ve just opened.”

Shepard sighed, bringing one of his wings around the two of them to block the heavy winds that plagued the top of the building. “It’s not that bad, Ash—“

“ _Not that bad_? Are you kidding me?” She crossed her legs and glared at him. “Shepard, you’re not supposed to interfere with anything regarding your charge’s fate.”

He ducked his head. “I didn’t.”

Ashley raised an eyebrow. “Sure.”

“I didn’t! Kaidan could have handled himself. He just… needed a hand or two.”

“And by hand,” She batted at the feathers tickling her face. “You mean super-awesome-angel powers?”

Shepard looked out at the horizon, his crumpled feathers obscuring the infinite view. The strong breeze was sharp against his cheeks, despite the wing around them. For a moment he wished he could be out there amongst the endless sky, his wings taking him to places unknown, before bringing himself back to the edge of the building.

Being what he was and capable of doing… it was certainly amazing.

Ashley was watching him closely, arms and legs still crossed, and a quizzical expression on her face. She let out a breath, reaching out a hand to wrap her fingers around Shepard’s nearest wing-feather. He started before accepting the warmth from her gentle touch.

“I’m going to regret this… but your secret’s safe with me, Brother.”

 “Seriously?” He looked back at her in surprise.

Ashley nodded, letting her fingers trail down the length of the feather. “We’ve been together for too long for me to be angry about this. Although believe me,” She stared him down. “ _I’m angry_.”

Shepard swallowed, but placed a hand on her knee and squeezed it softly. “Thanks, Ash.”

“I mean it, Shepard.” She let go of the feather and shrugged away from his hand, standing up on the edge. “I’ll cover your ass for now, but the second Garrus finds out about this—“

“Garrus loves me though.”

“That may be true,” She smirked. “But he’s an archangel now. Just because the both of you are two quills on a wing-feather _doesn’t_ mean he’s not going to do the right thing if he learns the truth.”

The power _had_ gone to Garrus’ head a little. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I’m _always_ right,” Ashley said confidently. “I wish I wasn’t right about this though.”

Shepard rose up to stand beside her, their shoulders brushing as they gazed out into the bustling city. He brought his wings around them completely, cocooning them within their warm expanse. Ashley giggled softly before resting her head on his shoulder.

“It’s going to be fine, Ash. I’m not going to screw this one up.”

Her hand found Shepard’s and she squeezed it softly. “I know that you won’t, but there are other ways to go about protecting him.” Ashley’s grip tightened. “You need to stop blaming yourself for the mistakes of your past.”

He stilled at her words, aware of the wind beating against his wings, the wisps of Ashley’s hair tickling his neck above his jacket, and the light of his core hotter than he had ever felt before. Shepard was struck by the memory of his previous charge, everything he felt as he saw Kaidan’s light fading before his eyes, and how Shepard was so intent of _not_ allowing it to happen again.

Ashley shuffled. “Shepard, what happened with Liara—“

“Please,” He closed his eyes. “Don’t say her name.”

“But I _have_ to, Shepard. You’ll never be over this if you refuse to let go.”

Shepard sighed. “It’s not that I refuse to, it’s just…”

They were silent for a moment before Ashley pulled away, still inside the cocoon of feathers. “I understand that Liara meant a lot to you, Shepard, but what you’re doing now with Kaidan? It’s _exactly_ what happened with her.”

“I know.”

“You need to stop this.”

“I _know_.”

“…You’re not going to though, aren’t you?”

Shepard shook his head. “He knows that I exist, Ash. I’m not going to erase his memory. It’s not _right_.”

Ashley knew well enough that she was fighting a losing battle. She squeezed Shepard’s hand a final time before moving out of their protective sphere. Shepard watched her walk the line of oblivion, the wind whipping her raven hair around her face, and he could see why she was one of his Father’s favoured warriors.

Then again, a rage fuelled Ashley had her fellow warriors singing songs of bloodlust for weeks on end. An angry Ashley was a _terrifying_ one.

“You know what you’re doing, Brother.” She said above the wind. “Unless they ask me, I won’t say anything.”

Shepard grinned at her. “I appreciate it, Sis.”

Ashley grinned back and turned around to brace herself for flight. She paused a moment, before turning around again. “So, Kaidan fainted after you revealed yourself?”

Of _course_ Ashley would pry into his memories via his feathers. She was never able to keep her hands to herself.

“Yep.” Shepard recalled the shock on Kaidan’s face, his eyes scanning the length of Shepard’s wings, before falling to the ground simply overcome with _everything_. “I’ve still got it.”

She laughed. “Please, for the love of all things holy and great, do _not_ let him live it down.”

“I was planning on it.”

Ashley chuckled again, obviously thrilled by Shepard’s adventure last night despite all ramifications, before allowing herself to fall off the edge of the building. After a moment she came back into sight, her dark wings beating furiously against the wind as she eventually disappeared into the skyline.

*

Standing outside on the balcony of Kaidan’s apartment probably _wasn’t_ the sanest thing to do, with everything that had happened. Still, it was better than sitting _inside_ of the apartment and possibly giving the man a heart attack because of an all-powerful home intruder.

It would be something else to tease Kaidan about, though. Shepard filed it away for a rainy day.

Vancouver was chilly again, though Shepard couldn’t feel the effects of the elements against his flesh. It was more like what they _felt_ like, such as the wind being sharp and the rain like the brush of plumage along his skin. He often saw humans complaining of heat and cold, but Shepard could never bring himself to understand how nature worked.

One could say in mysterious ways, but _that_ joke had burnt out long before the Seventh Day.

The chill against his skin felt like a constant itch that needed to be scratched. He tugged the arms of his jacket over his hands, making sure to avoid crumpling _more_ feathers lest Ashley reprimand him once again, but still felt the need to _scratch_. If anyone knew the things that he did, they would probably think that Shepard was riddled with fleas.

Shepard leaned against the balcony railing and watched the stars appear in the evening sky. Garrus was probably up there somewhere and causing havoc for the other archangels. Shepard grinned at the thought.

“So,” Shepard spun around at the sound of Kaidan’s voice, unaware of how lost in his thoughts he had been. “How long were you planning on standing out there like a crazy stalker?”

Kaidan stood in the doorway, arms crossed and a cautious expression on his face. Shepard gave him an encouraging grin, trying to appear unperturbed by Kaidan’s presence.

“Just as long as it was going to take for you to notice me, Kaidan, and I’m flattered that you finally did.”

The other man rolled his eyes. “I could call the police, you know.”

“Uh,” Shepard gestured a hand around himself. “I’m an _angel._ Technically, I don’t exist.”

Kaidan’s cheek twitched. “You’ll exist once they put you on paper.”

“Funny that,” Shepard interjected, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “An individual could be living and breathing right in front of you but unless it’s put down onto paper then they don’t actually _exist._ ”

Kaidan said nothing, only raising an eyebrow.

“…I bet a lot of people have an identity crisis because of that.”

“What are you doing here, Shepard?”

The million dollar question he had been hoping to avoid. Shepard frowned slightly and straightened up against the railing.

“Well, I wouldn’t be much of a guardian angel if I wasn’t, uh, _guarding_ you?”

“I don’t know; this seems more like stalking.”

“It goes both ways, you know,” Shepard said proudly. “Maybe _you’re_ stalking me.”

Kaidan scoffed. “Now you’re just acting like a child.”

“We were all cherubs once,” Shepard recalled fondly. “Although you’re right, they’re pretty horrible.”

Kaidan perked up, allowing his arms to fall to his sides. “Cherubs are real?”

Shepard nodded eagerly, encouraged by Kaidan’s curiosity. “Only guardians start out as cherubs though, everyone else is sort of already… there.” Shepard took a step closer to Kaidan, and his core radiated warmth.

“You mean there are different categories of angels?”

“Yeah. There are archangels, like a military brass keeping the grunts under control. Then there are the warriors. You know, like the ones you read about in novels except they’re _real_ and a whole lot fiercer than you could imagine.”

Kaidan said nothing, so Shepard continued. “Then there are the guardians, the ones assigned with keeping watch over a select group of humans. The humans aren’t exactly special or anything,” Kaidan huffed. “But it’s not to say that they don’t serve a purpose in the long run.”

His charge rubbed a hand along his jaw in thought. “Alright, so why are guardians the only ones to begin like they’re children?”

Shepard grinned. “That’s technically what cherubs do. You know those paintings with the chubby, curly haired babies?” Kaidan nodded and Shepard continued. “It’s like that. They try to understand what makes a human...  _human_.”

Smooth. Kaidan seemed to contemplate the information before frowning with confusion. “So, what makes them so horrible?”

“They just get _everywhere_ ,” Shepard moaned. “The little shits crawl all over your wings and ruin the down so flying just becomes a lot more difficult than it should be.”

The surprised laughter that erupted suddenly shocked Shepard, who wasn’t expecting to hear that sound from _Kaidan_ of all people. Kaidan seemed to consider Shepard for a moment, his laughter already echoing away into the night, before heading back into his apartment.

“You can come inside, if you want.”

Shepard obeyed, the itch from the cold evening already fading with Kaidan’s words. He discovered that Kaidan’s apartment was tasteful but positively _boring_. Soft, muted tones along the walls and carpeted floors and _wow_ , was that calendar a serious thing?

He eyed it with distaste before turning to face Kaidan. The other man seemed to be shifting on the spot, as if he was waiting for Shepard’s opinion.

Shepard pointed at the calendar. “You’re kidding me with that, right?”

“It gets me through the day.” Kaidan said defensively.

“Yeah, _probably_ didn’t help with last night though.”

“As a matter of fact,” Kaidan raised his chin. “It _definitely_ could have been worse.”

Shepard huffed, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’m failing to see how being held at _knife-point_ could have been worse.”

“I was lucky.” Kaidan settled down on his sofa. There were portfolios filled with endless amounts of paperwork scattered all around him. “I could have been killed, Shepard, all because of my wallet and the clothes on my back. Instead… a literal _miracle_ happened in front of me.”

He bit his lip, focusing on the mountains of paper surrounding him. “So… thank you.”

Shepard was worried he may have been a little overdramatic about it, but Kaidan seemed to be genuinely appreciative of Shepard’s heroics from the previous night.

He walked up to the sofa, placing a hand on the back of it. Kaidan turned his head to look at him.

“You’ve always been like that, you know.” He said softly.

Kaidan continued to look at Shepard, unsure of what to say. His honey eyes flashed with something that Shepard couldn’t decipher, which he found strange because he knew _everything_ about the man before him.

Well, mostly everything.

Shepard sighed. “I bet you’re thinking my entire existence is prying into _your_ entire existence.”

“A little.”

“It’s not like I can help it.” Shepard moved around the sofa to sit on the opposite end of where Kaidan was. He pushed aside some of the files, ignoring Kaidan’s frown, and made himself comfortable. “Being a guardian means I _need_ to know everything about you.”

“How _do_ you know everything about me?”

Shepard could feel his wings threatening to burst from his spine, but he willed them to stay put. “When a guardian is given their charge, it’s their duty to be aware of everything relating to them.”

“You’re basically given a binder of information, then?”

His wings began to poke against his jacket, and he discreetly pressed back into the couch. They were fine when he was wearing a shirt but when the _damn_ jacket went on… “The archangels hand down the assignment and we just _know_.”

“Seriously?”

Shepard nodded. “Before they handed you to me, you would have just been another soul wandering the streets. Don’t get me wrong, _all_ souls are beautiful.” Shepard said softly, meeting Kaidan’s eyes. “But you’re the only soul that matters to me right now.”

The words hung heavily in the air for a moment before Kaidan cleared his throat. “That’s… kind of you to say.”

“Also creepy?”

“A little bit creepy.” Kaidan agreed.

“Sorry,” Shepard smirked. “That’s another trait of being an angel. I’m full of love and all things sweet and sappy.”

They were silent for a moment, and Shepard thought that he had gone a little too far. Kaidan always had a tendency to close up over topics that related to feelings. It must be a human male thing.

“Since you know everything about me…” Kaidan mused quietly, and all of Shepard’s attention snapped back onto him. “Do you know exactly what I’m thinking right now?”

“No,” Shepard chuckled. “I can’t read your mind or anything. Angel’s may be all-powerful but even we have our limitations.”

“Oh, so it’s a consent thing?”

“Pretty much—” Shepard could feel his wings shifting uncomfortably beneath his jacket, and he tried to remain still. Kaidan’s eyes snapped to his back, and Shepard was suddenly aware of the influx of feathers threatening to burst from their confinement.

Kaidan held back a smirk. “You’re not comfortable, Shepard?”

“These things are a pain in my ass sometimes.” Shepard shrugged out of his jacket, sighing with relief as his feathered appendages stretched the length of the room. Kaidan watched them with wide eyes, still obviously not believing what he was seeing.

A few feathers floated to the carpeted floor, and Shepard smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, it’s stifling not having them out twenty four-seven.”

“No, no.” His voice was full of disbelief. “I don’t mind. I mean, I’m going to have to vacuum _again_ but yeah, it’s okay.”

He shifted enough to allow them to flap once, feathers falling onto the floor, and chuckled at Kaidan’s scowl.  “They’re actually supposed to be corporeal, but it’s like they have a mind of their own.”

“That means,” Kaidan considered Shepard’s words for a moment. “I can see them, but not necessarily touch them?”

Shepard nodded. “Unless I _want_ you to see and touch them, then yeah.”

“You want me to see them?”

“Well my top priority last night was making sure _you_ were safe, not if you noticed the bunch of feathers on my back.”

Alright, he may have shown off a _little_.

“Yeah…”

Shepard noticed Kaidan’s fingers twitching. It wouldn’t have been the first time that another’s curiosity got the better of them. He pushed the thought aside and brought his right wing directly behind Kaidan, the tips brushing Kaidan’s clothed shoulder.

“…You _can_ touch them, if you want. They’re a little rumpled but I suppose you can smooth them down.”

The other man turned in his position slightly, his eyes never leaving Shepard’s, before he smoothed a hand down onto a mussed section of the wings. Shepard’s breath caught in his throat at the feel of Kaidan’s skin against the feathers, and he clenched a fist against his knee.

Kaidan’s hand was _warm_. It didn’t help that his wings were apart of him, because Shepard could feel every detail etched into Kaidan’s skin. The small nicks he’d received from kitchen knives over the years, the tiny burn mark on his inner palm from lighting a broken match, and the calloused skin stretched over his thumb from years of thumbing through paperwork.

 _Damn_ , Kaidan’s touch was like the forbidden fruit. Shepard just wanted more.

The shockwave his core was sending out under his skin was growing with each passing second. He stopped the groan that almost passed his lips as Kaidan’s fingers lifted away from the feathers, and Shepard quickly flicked his wing behind himself again.

“What,” Shepard tried to mask the longing in his voice. “No more preening?”

Kaidan chuckled deeply. “You’re not an animal, Shepard.”

“That is… probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“People must say horrible things to you, then.”

 “Well I haven’t met people like you, Kaidan.”

Shepard unclenched the fist on his knee to meet Kaidan’s eyes, and Kaidan looked down at his fumbling hands, the side of his mouth turned upwards. Shepard wouldn’t have minded seeing that expression on Kaidan’s face for the rest of the evening.

Week. Month. Year. Life. This guy was driving him _crazy_.

When somebody was making Shepard feel like this, however, it was dangerous. Shepard thought back to the _last_ time this happened, back to Liara’s soft smile and emptiness where his core should have resided, before he made his decision.

“I should go.” He pushed himself off the couch, ignoring Kaidan’s quizzical expression.  “Not that I’ll be far, but…”

“Oh? There’s still a lot I want to ask you, though.”

Shepard faced Kaidan. “Ignorance is bliss.”

“My life, Shepard, is anything but blissful. You of all, uh, angels would know that. A little more knowledge won’t kill me.”

He bit his lip. “You have to work tomorrow though.”

“Udina can deal with my running late again. It could be worse,” Shepard rolled his eyes. “I mean, I could be killed tomorrow on the way to work—“

“Not on _my_ watch.” Shepard growled.

Kaidan smiled softly. “Then I’m glad that you’re my guardian angel.”

Unconsciously, Shepard stretched his wing behind Kaidan once again, the feathers trailing softly along the back of Kaidan’s neck. Kaidan reached behind him to swat them playfully, and Shepard chuckled.

“I suppose I do owe you an explanation or two.” His eyes sparkled as he glanced at Kaidan. “Not tonight though, I’ve spent too long here. Besides,” Shepard smirked. “You might faint again, which is _great_ for me because I don’t have to carry your ass back to your apartment since we’re already _here_.”

Kaidan glared at him as he headed back to the door. Shepard’s wings tickled the carpeted floor as he looked over his shoulder at Kaidan once more, whose face had fallen into something softer than before.

“Sorry about the mess, I’ll be more careful next time.”

“Oh, there’s going to be a next time?” Kaidan said, glancing at the trail of feathers behind Shepard.

Shepard smirked. “I just can’t stay away from you, Kaidan.”

Without waiting for his reply, Shepard opened the door and headed out into the night. Instinct took over as he braced himself on the edge of the balcony railing before allowing himself to fall, his wings carrying him to the sky thereafter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Ashley, your sass is my reason for living. So basically; Kaidan pets Shepard, and Shepard has a traumatic past? Yay, angst!
> 
> I told myself I was going to stay at least two chapters ahead and that's a promise I've... sort of kept. The next chapter is probably 60% done, due to lack of motivation and Dragon Age 2. Hopefully that will change soon! Here's the next chapter anyway. I'll probably go over it and edit it a little more, but it's otherwise complete. Until next time <3


	3. Downpour

The thing about Joker was that he was actually a dick.

Kaidan couldn’t actually say that out loud though, because he wouldn’t put it past Joker to cry ‘cripple!’ and then everyone would be on his case. He could imagine the sabotage that would be waiting for him at his desk the following day. There would probably be _dicks_ scratched onto the surface and wouldn’t that be fun to explain to Udina.

But while Joker was a dick, a great big bag of dicks at that, he was also a pretty decent guy. Despite the fact that his bones could turn to dust at any time which resulted in his permanent need for crutches, he still managed to maintain a positive outlook on everything.

Then again, his idea of a positive outlook was having an internet girlfriend and reminding Kaidan that his life was terrible.

“Hey Kaidan,” He hobbled over to Kaidan’s cubicle with a mug of the sludge trying to disguise itself as coffee. “Still as desperately alone as you were last week?”

Kaidan took the coffee with a tight smile. “I don’t know Joker, still dating that woman who lives in Sweden?”

“Her name is EDI, my friend, and yes, I am.”

“ _My girlfriend who lives in Canada_ ,” Kaidan moved aside to allow Joker to take his seat. “Right?”

Joker sniffed and leaned back in Kaidan’s seat, shuffling to get into a more comfortable position. “I’ll have you know Alenko that we live in Canada and that EDI is absolutely real.”

Kaidan grimaced as he swallowed a mouthful of the coffee, no, tar. “Denial is the first step, my friend.”

“I’m not your friend.”

“Yet you never seem to be hounding my ass like a friend would.”

“Hey man,” Joker held his hands up. “I don’t know what kind of people you associate with outside of work, but the _normal_ folk in _committed_ relationships don’t exactly, uh, hound asses. If you catch my drift.”

Kaidan desperately wished he could hurl the mug at Joker’s face. It would be a most welcome act. Joker linked his hands behind his head, his trucker cap shifting slightly, and grinned.

“You’ll get one up on me eventually, Alenko. Today is just not your day.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan agreed quietly, tracing the ring of his mug with a finger. “I don’t really think any day is my day.”

Joker’s grin faltered slightly and he leaned forward, placing his hands on his knees. “I was just teasing Kaidan; don’t get all emotional on me now.” He frowned for a moment, before slapping his knee softly. “That reminds me, why were you late this morning?”

The depths of the sludge within his mug reminded Kaidan of the midnight sky. There was a reflection from the lighting on the roof rippling along the surface with each of his movements, and Kaidan was briefly reminded of wings taking off into the midnight sky.

Shepard’s wings in particular, with all their softness and disarray. God, they were so messy. How is he even able to fly—?

And now Kaidan was questioning his guardian angels ability to fly. He needed a stiff drink. Or more coffee. Not the sludge masquerading as such, though.

“…Hell _o_ , earth to Alenko?”

Kaidan blinked and focused on Joker again, who was watching him with a queer expression. He tapped his crutches, eyeing Kaidan up and down. Kaidan braced himself for what was possibly coming next.

“Sorry?” He said dismissively.

“Don’t act all coy with me, Kaidan.” Joker stabbed a finger in his direction, which Kaidan didn’t shy away from. He’s a grown man, damn it. “You had that Look on your face—“

“What look?”

“ _The_ Look.”

“There’s a Look now?”

“If you had somebody spend the night then yes Kaidan, there is a Look.”

Kaidan didn’t bother holding back the laugh because wow, if only Joker knew how right he was. It’s not like Shepard technically spent the night, probably more that he was perched outside on Kaidan’s balcony. Again. Then it’s not like Kaidan minded if Shepard spent the night—

“Nobody spent the night, Joker.”

Except that he wasn’t going to go there because there was probably a commandment against that kind of thing.

And then his thoughts did end up going there because that’s how life was. As the seconds slipped away the precious night, so did Kaidan’s focus on Shepard’s words. It was important information, but then again it also wasn’t every day that someone had a conversation with their guardian angel on their living room sofa…

…who shook out their wings and covered his carpet in feathers

Kaidan could see the slight shift in Shepard’s actions though, when Kaidan gave into temptation and ran his hand through the expanse of brilliant white feathers. It was absolutely thrilling, like touching the softest silk and knowing that it belonged to you.

“I’m finding that hard to believe, Kaidan.”

“Maybe I was just thinking about how my pile of portfolios isn’t so much of a pile anymore.” Kaidan said proudly.

Not that Shepard belonged to Kaidan. However the look on Shepard’s face, the way that the angel was desperately trying so hard to hold back the want as Kaidan stroked his feathers, well, Kaidan could definitely carry that with him into the depths of Hell…

…because Shepard would drag his stubborn ass back to Earth and beyond.

Joker pointed a finger at Kaidan’s lower region, a smirk on his face. “So is that why Little Alenko and his Fun-time Friends are coming out to play?”

Kaidan turned red, cursing all of his thoughts and untimely bodily reactions. He tried to discreetly place his coffee mug in front of his trousers but it was too late.

“I knew it,” Joker confirmed loudly. “You got some ass last night!”

Kaidan flapped his hand at him because please lower the volume, but then Jack poked her head above the cubicle wall, her bottom lip between her teeth and heavily tattooed fingers gripping the top of the wall. Kaidan braced himself because a conversation with Jack always turned out well.

“You got ass last night, Alenko?”

“No Jack, I—“

“Fucking _yes_.” She looked at Joker, her dark lips spreading into a Chesire Cat smile. “You owe me twenty, Moreau.”

“You’re both betting on whether I’m getting laid or not…?” Kaidan paused before hastily adding, “Which _didn’t_ happen by the way.”

They hadn't heard Kaidan, which was just his luck. Joker grumbled as he searched the pockets of his trousers and Jack had taken to kneeling on top of her desk so she could fully lean over and claim her reward. She brought the notes to her mouth, her lipstick staining the paper as she kissed them.

“It’s been a pleasure doing business with you, Jeff.”

“Finally.”

“You’re a sick bastard and your Swedish girlfriend is going to regret it.”

Kaidan went along with it. “She probably already does.”

“Hey Joker,” Jack slumped against the wall. “Does EDI even know that you could shatter your fucking pelvis just by some light, over-the-clothes action?”

“I need to get back to work.” Joker grumbled and gathered up his crutches, heaving himself out of Kaidan’s seat with a groan and flipping off an amused Jack in the process.

After he had gallantly hobbled away, Jack peered over her shoulder briefly before hauling herself over onto Kaidan’s side, her dark hair brushing the shaved sides of her skull and Joker’s money still clutched in her fingers.

Kaidan sighed, wondering why he knew these people. “If Udina sees that—“

“I am more than willing,” Jack began as she settled down on Kaidan’s desk, her dark stockings barely covering the inked skin of her legs. “To bend over for Udina, just once, so that he may kiss my _ass_. I welcome any fucking excuse to be fired from this hell-hole, Alenko.”

Kaidan pointed at the colourful markings that peered from above her neck and hairline as he sat down in his chair again. “Wasn’t the whole idea of this job to pay for all of that?”

“I’ve run out of room, so what’s the fucking point in being here?”

“I don’t think I can answer that question for you, Jack.”

She scratched her wrist. “Then what good are you, Kaidan?”

He wasn’t going to grace that with an answer. Instead, Kaidan noticed the pair of angel wings marked on the upside of her wrist, the outline of the image surprisingly more delicate compared to the harsh and almost offensive pictures that were scattered along the rest of her skin. Jack noticed his gaze and raised an eyebrow.

“Got a problem, Alenko?”

“I would have told you by now Jack, you know me. No, it’s just…” He gestured at her wrist. “Do you believe in angels?”

Jack’s smile turned soft as she began to delicately trace the outline of the wings with a finger. “I guess, I mean, it’s not like I’m mad religious or anything.” She glared pointedly at Kaidan. “In case you thought otherwise.”

“You don’t have to be religious to believe in angels.” Kaidan smiled.

“I know that.” She paused for a moment, eyes shining as her finger faltered on the tip of the feather. “Just… look, I like you Kaidan so I’ll spill a secret. Don’t go spreading it around though.”

He mimed a zipper across his lips and Jack leaned forward, her dark hair falling into her eyes. “When you have a childhood as fucked up as mine, sometimes it’s good to have a little faith in something. Even if it doesn’t exist, yeah?”

He had heard a few rumours regarding Jack, the reasoning behind her fierce temper and the stories painted across her skin. If only she knew. His heart went out to her, but Kaidan would never tell. He valued his Fun-time friends too much.

Jack’s voice was quiet as she continued. “There were days when I felt like giving up, you know? But even when things turned to fucking shit, I just kept on believing that someone up there is lookin’ down on me. Just hurling me through all of those obstacles to make me stronger, yeah? Laugh at me all you want—“

“I’m not laughing at you, Jack.”

“—but it’s my way of dealing with things. So yeah Kaidan, I believe in angels. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t be telling you all of this right now.”

All of Kaidan wanted to risk placing a hand over Jack’s and tell her the truth. Yes, angels exist and yes, one of them is probably watching their little heart-to-heart right now. More like definitely watching, unless all of Kaidan’s assumptions about how ridiculously creepy Shepard were untrue—

No, no they were accurate. Instead, he smiled and tapped her wrist affectionately. She made a face and snatched it away.

“Don’t go telling people that I’m a fucking softie, Alenko.”

“I wouldn’t want to ruin your bad-girl image, Nought.”

She grinned. “You’re one of the good ones, K.”

A few files slid to the floor as Jack clambered back over to her cubicle, uncaring of how much of the room was able to see up her skirt. Then again, she may have been into that sort of thing but Kaidan wasn’t going to bring that up.

By the time Udina came out of his office outraged at the world and everything in it (again), Jack was settled at her desk, Kaidan’s files were sorted neatly in their container, and it was three and a half hours until quitting time.

It could be worse.

 *

“You know,” Shepard said from beside Kaidan. “I’m surprised at how well you’ve adjusted to this.”

Kaidan gasped, dropping his folder of paperwork to the ground in shock as if to contradict Shepard’s statement. He ignored Shepard’s chuckling as he kneeled down and gathered them all up in his arms once again.

“Shepard, it’s probably a good idea to make your presence known. While I’m walking home. Alone.”

The grin on Shepard’s face was cocky. “We both know that you’re walking home, uh, alone because you just want your big bad guardian angel to save your ass again.”

“Oh, is that right?”

“Kaidan, you don’t normally miss the bus twice in one week. Only if you’re having a bad day—”

“Which is,” Kaidan tucked the folder beneath his arm before falling into step beside Shepard. “Basically every day of my life.”

Kaidan wasn’t going to say it was because he did want to see Shepard again. No way.

“—and I knew you were going to say that, because I know you.”

Kaidan spared a glance at the shadows that the streetlight was casting along the angles of Shepard’s face as he chuckled. There was the obvious _damn that is really not allowed_ train of thought, then the more subtle _blasphemy Kaidan this is blasphemy_ , and Kaidan looked away quickly before his body reacted in the worst possible way.

Again.

Well, worst possible way for him. Kaidan wasn’t entirely sure how Shepard would take his bodily functions. Probably with good humour and that crooked grin.

“I get it,” Kaidan said. “You know me. You’re my guardian angel and I appreciate that, but you don’t need to keep reminding me that you’re an all powerful being who can top me in anything.”

Shepard quirked his brow and Kaidan resisted the urge to smack his forehead. Bad choice of words.

“That’s not what I—“

“I know.” Shepard laughed.

“You’re enjoying this.”

“Of course. It always brings me joy to see you blush, Kaidan.”

If Kaidan could sink into the ground and stay there forever, he wouldn’t object to it. What was God thinking when he decided to send Shepard his way? Was He trying to make his life harder? Or was it Kaidan’s turn to host a divine comedy? Maybe all of the angels were watching his antics from their silver linings, heavenly popcorn at the ready.

“You’re doing that thing when you think too much, Kaidan.”

Actually, what would heavenly popcorn taste like?

“Kaidan...?”

Maybe all things sweet and sappy and full of love, in Shepard’s words _—_

“Kaidan.”

On that train of thought, that’s probably what Shepard would taste like _—_

“Kaidan.”

Kaidan started and faced Shepard quickly, who held an amused expression on his face. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the angel’s wings trying to break free from the confines of his jacket. Seriously, there were a lot of feathers begging for release.

“Sorry,” he said. “Ran away with my thoughts again.”

“Of course you did.” Shepard said with his crooked grin. “I was about to take back what I said before.”

Kaidan blinked. “About my whole ‘adjusting’ to having a guardian angel?”

“You have to admit, you’re taking it a little too well.”

“Well,” Kaidan came to a complete stop and Shepard turned back, an eyebrow raised. “Aside from the fact I swooned like a matron the other night _—_ ”

“I wasn’t going to bring that up.”

“How else am I supposed to take it?”

Shepard shrugged indifferently and tucked his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I don’t know. Crash and burn, maybe?”

Kaidan scoffed. That made him feel much better about himself. “Your confidence in me is inspiring, Shepard.”

They walked in silence for a few moments. Kaidan moved the folders underneath his other arm while attempting to tug his jacket further around himself. The evening was not as biting as normal, but the stars were hidden behind the clouds and Kaidan had a feeling that it was going to rain. With his luck, it would hit right before he got home.

Maybe Shepard could offer his wing as an umbrella. It wasn’t a weird thing to ask your guardian angel to do that, right? After all, what else would he use them for? Kaidan was struck by the memory from the previous night, of Shepard’s feathers tickling the back of his neck, and he could definitely see why people were into that sort of thing.

Not to say that he was into that sort of thing. Yet.

“Look,” Kaidan began after the silence had stretched thin. Shepard perked up. “I’m one of those people who like to take things as they come, you know?”

“I do know.”

“Of course you do.” Kaidan huffed. “I’m failing to see why you’re so surprised about all of this, though.”

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck, an unreadable expression crossing his face. “I guess I’m used to unrealistic reactions from my charges. That’s all.”

Kaidan frowned before coming to a halt. Shepard continued a few steps before realising that Kaidan was behind him, and turned around to face him. Kaidan hugged the folders to his chest if only to keep his hands busy. It wasn’t unlike a teenage girl clinging to her schoolbooks in front of her crush.

Not that Shepard was his crush or anything. Though Kaidan would have definitely been alright with having someone as easy-on-the-eyes as Shepard was back in high school, what with those piercing eyes and _—_

Head back into the game, Alenko.

“So, I’m not your first charge then?” Kaidan queried.

Shepard blinked at him for a moment before he shook his head, a grin making its way onto his lips. Kaidan deflated a little bit. Obviously he wasn’t Shepard’s first assignment. Someone _—_ no, some angel like Shepard would have been around for years before that moment right then. Kaidan was probably nothing more than a blip on his radar.

_You’re the only soul that matters to me right now._

That was probably what Shepard meant. Kaidan went with that.

Shepard glanced at the evening sky, frowning at the threatening cloud cover, before meeting Kaidan’s eyes again. “You’re definitely not my first charge, and that’s not to say that you’re going to be my last either.”

“I don’t know if I should be happy for the next person lucky enough to be graced with your presence.”

The angel splayed his hand over his chest. “Sticks and stones, Kaidan.” Shepard grinned. “No, I’ve actually only had a handful of charges. I was a warrior before I was made a guardian.”

Kaidan raised his eyebrows. “You can do that?”

“It’s rare,” Shepard nodded. “But possible. It was only for a short while though. A few centuries or something.”

Kaidan spluttered, almost dropping his folders onto the ground again. Not just years. _Centuries_. Shepard must have been more than one thousand years old if a few centuries was nothing to him. Kaidan collected himself visibly, ignoring Shepard’s chuckle.

“I knew that one would make you pause.”

“I’ll say,” Kaidan choked. “I hope I look as good as you when I’m your age.”

Shepard bit his lip. Smooth, Kaidan. Just flat out admit to your guardian angel that he’s attractive. If God had chosen that moment to strike him down, then Kaidan would have embraced it.

“I mean _—_ ”

“You must really like what you see then.”

“No! I mean, yes! Shit, I mean _—_ ”

Shepard’s grin was positively shit-eating and Kaidan glared at him.

“You know what? I lied last night. I’m not happy that you’re my guardian angel. Can I call someone to get a trade-in?”

Shepard shook his head solemnly, his eyes sparkling. “I’m afraid not, Kaidan. You’re stuck with me until _—_ ”

“I die?”

Shepard ducked his head, his laughter bubbling away into the night sky before silence fell around them once again. Kaidan bit his lip, suddenly aware of the boundary he might have crossed, and took a deep breath.

“Touchy subject?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry, Shepard.”

Shepard waved a hand, the grin on his face too wide to be considered natural. “No big deal. Not all of my charges were as lucky as you were.”

Kaidan shuffled on the spot as Shepard approached his side, taking some of the folders away from his heavy arms. He held back the chuckle. Definitely a schoolboy crush. That was the thing about having a crush, however; infatuation. It was easy to spot every little detail about the other half of it all.

He definitely noticed the slump in Shepard’s usually proud posture, and the way his wings seemed to curl in on themselves beneath his jacket. It couldn’t be crazy for Kaidan to believe that he was beginning to understand Shepard’s little quirks just after two days. He always was good at reading people.

Angels. Whatever. It wasn’t like he had a crush on Shepard though.

Really.

Kaidan allowed Shepard to take away some of his folders.“Do... you want to talk about it?”

“It’s fine.”

“Bullshit, Shepard.” Kaidan stood his ground. “It’s obvious that you still haven’t dealt with whatever happened, so you might as well let it all out.” He crossed his arms, a folder digging into his ribs painfully. “Besides, I have no plans of dying anytime soon so you’re stuck with me for awhile. May as well share a story, or two.”

Shepard’s laughter filled the small area around them, and even Kaidan couldn’t remain stoic above the noise. The angel bumped his shoulder almost playfully, giving Kaidan his usual warm smile. It made Kaidan’s heart skip a beat. Or three. Maybe four.

“Still as stubborn as always, Kaidan, but that’s a story for another time, I think.” He stretched his neck slightly. “It’s not to say I don’t appreciate the sentiment, though.”

“Hey,” Kaidan said playfully. “That’s the thing about being human. I’m full of all things annoying and amazingly nosy.”

“Not too sure about the nosy part, but amazing? Definitely.”

When Shepard said things like that, it was a wonder that Kaidan was capable of a thing called ‘coherency’. They continued onwards in a comfortable silence, the feathers spilling out from beneath Shepard’s jacket leaving behind an invisible trail that none would ever find.

 

 

 

*

As luck and Kaidan’s life in general would have it, the rain started to pour barely fifteen minutes from his doorstep. He cursed loudly, uncaring of the holy being accompanying him, and began to shrug out of his jacket.

“Uh, you can use the folders instead?” Shepard queried.

Kaidan shook his head. No, he wasn’t going to use the folders to shield his head from the worst of the rain because that would mean he was going to have to decipher the hidden language that was raindrop-splattered ink of yore later on. No one had been able to achieve that before, and Kaidan wasn’t going to be the first.

He didn’t notice Shepard quietly slipping out of his jacket and by the time Kaidan was half out of his own, Shepard had spread his wings around and above the two of them to shield them from the downpour. Kaidan stopped moving as he felt the lack of raindrops on his face, and looked up at Shepard in surprise.

There was a feather dangling precariously in front of Shepard’s shoulder. “I know this is really cliche, but I’d prefer not to see you stress over the state of your work. Again.”

“Oh,” Kaidan felt a feather brush a few raindrops from the back of his neck, and a shiver trailed down his spine. “Well, thanks. I think cliches are acceptable for moments like these.”

Despite the warm cocoon of feathers that encased them, each piece of plumage emitting it’s own slant of light, the only thing Kaidan could remain focused on was Shepard. With his sharp eyes, droplets of rain snaking down the angles of his face, the easy smile on his lips, and the way his whole body seemed to lean towards Kaidan. Like an unconscious action, and an angel relying on unconscious actions spelled either trouble or _—_

Something else.

Whatever it was, Kaidan found that he didn’t mind. Besides if Shepard continued to look at him that way that he was in that moment, like Kaidan was truly the only person in the world, then Kaidan would gladly stay in that spot forever.

“I say this a lot,” Kaidan said softly. “But thank you.”

Shepard grinned. “Anytime.”

A passerby would have frowned at the two men grinning stupidly at each other in the middle of a downpour. And Kaidan, for all of his integrity and the fact that he was barely ten minutes away from his apartment where anybody could see him grinning stupidly at his guardian angel?

Kaidan couldn't find it in himself to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last little scene was actually the whole reason why I wrote the fic! Aside from their meeting in the first chapter, the whole 'wings-as-a-makeshift-umbrella' thing actually kept me up at night with how precious it was. Ah, what can I say? These two being adorable is like _oxygen_ for me.
> 
> Okay, I sound a little crazy. Sorry. (Except I'm not.)
> 
> So, in between writing this AU, and writing another TWO AU's (one of them is an exciting collab with [Jo](http://archiveofourown.org/users/PetitAvocat)): I'm all ficced out. I'm hoping this story will be done before I go overseas buuuuuut no promises C: I'll skim over this chapter for spelling mistakes and such later but until then, I hope you all like it! <3


	4. Calculus

It was in angel’s nature to not feel envy towards their brothers and sisters.

As they had been created in the image of their Father, a shred of the divine residing deep within their core, it was accepted among the many that they were all equals. Not one guardian was better than another, and not one warrior had more strength than three of his comrades combined. In fact, the only thing that remained different between each of the entities was the appearance of their wings.

Shepard, however, was actually different to all of the other angels. Not because his wings were unique or anything, despite their constant scruffiness, but because of the fact that he _insanely_ jealous of Garrus’ wings.

They were awesome.

Then again, Garrus was awesome. He was probably the most awesome angel-pal that soared the heavens. What wasn’t there to love about Garrus, though? Suave, scarred, with killer cheekbones and did Shepard mention the the nice set of wings sitting on his back?

No? Well, Garrus had these wings that were—

“Still drooling over my plumage, Shepard?” Garrus smoothly bent the light beside Shepard’s perch on the park bench, appearing as though he had been there the entire time.

Shepard huffed. “Not all of us are entitled to archangel perks, Garrus. And I’m not _drooling_ —”

“The saliva from your mouth says otherwise.” Garrus smirked, settling back into the bench.

“I missed you too, asshole.” Shepard shoved Garrus with a hand, playfully so.

There were families taking advantage of the afternoon sunlight, and it felt soft against Shepard’s face. His friend chuckled softly as he crossed a leg over his knee, slinging his arm along the back of the bench and barely touching the leather of Shepard’s jacket.

“Lack of a social life comes with being what I am, Shepard.” Garrus said. “This is probably the first breather I’ve had since Anderson promoted me.”

Shepard rested his arms on his knees, watching some children race past the two of them in a fit of giggles. “Is there any more of that ‘ruthless calculus’ you were talking about before?”

Garrus nodded solemnly. “I love math, but all of this...?”

“That bad, huh?”

A shadow loomed over the both of them, and Shepard realised that it was Garrus’ large wings breaking their corporeal form. Thankfully unnoticed by the humans in the area, because they were even larger than Shepard remembered. The wingspan was sharp and sleek, like an oversized albatross, and the feathers morphed from a steel-grey to a brilliant ivory at their tips.

Also, they were _huge_. Shepard’s wings were cherubs compared to Garrus’ wings. It’s not like it was a pissing contest or anything, but still.

Shepard felt his wings prod into his jacket, and Garrus chuckled. “Little bastards still causing you grief?”

“They’re not _little_ ,” Shepard ground out, shrugging out of his jacket for the fifth time that day. “and at least I don’t have to lug around _those_ monsters. It’s not the size that matters, Garrus, but how you _use_ them.” His wings broke free from their confine and he stretched them out with a sigh, attempting to swat Garrus’ wings playfully but frowning when the archangel flicked them further away.

“These _monsters_ have gotten me out of a few slippery situations,” Garrus smirked, the scars on his cheek wrinkling with the movement. “Also they’re big and commanding, like an _avenging_ angel’s wings.”

Shepard snorted. “Anderson would make you fall _long_ before you turn mercenary on our asses.”

Garrus fell silent, and Shepard turned to face his friend. His brow was furrowed and his bottom lip was between his teeth. Shepard’s heart dropped into his stomach.

“Ruthless calculus, huh?”

“Yeah,” Garrus affirmed. “A lot of our brothers and sisters, guardians actually, are losing sight of their path. It’s... distressing. I’ve watched too many burn down to humanity in this week than I have my entire existence. It weighs down after awhile.”

Shepard swallowed, letting out a breath. “Why are they falling?”

“Isn’t it obvious, Shepard?” Garrus gestured to the small group of people gathered around the park. Shepard could feel the warmth of their souls radiate in time with his core, and it felt... lovely. Like peace among the chaos. “They want to be _human_. They want to gain free will, be their own master and commander. They want to _love_ —”

Shepard stopped breathing for a moment. _Love_. Of course. Love was both the most pure and tainted emotion that humans had been given. Love was whole, warm, and _wonderful_ , but love was also empty, cold, and _terrifying_. For humans, love was an entirely new experience, no matter how many times they were involved in it.

Love for an angel, however, was different. For an angel to love, it was the kind of love that was obligatory. There was no _free will_ in love, no choice in the matter. Angels had been created to love, to pour their beings into their Father’s creations.

Which was absolute _bullshit_ to Shepard. He loved Pops, don’t get him wrong, but shouldn’t he be given free reign to love outside of obligation?

If Shepard was to put aside the Old Man’s Will in his core, that sense of duty and obligation he had followed throughout his years, then he could probably say that everything he felt for Kaidan was of his own... free will.

Oh. Oh _no_.

This, Shepard thought with dawning horror, was bad.

Garrus continued on as though Shepard hadn’t come to any brand new revelations. _That_ had been done a few millennia before. “—and it’s only the guardians such as yourself Shepard, that are giving the brass hope. Speaking of, how is your new charge going?”

As due fate would have it, Garrus would have _obviously_ been eager to know everything that had happened with Shepard ever since they parted ways, and as due fate would have it, Shepard would have _obviously_ broken the rules during that time.

That was probably what Kaidan went through everyday, being so close to something amazing only to have it slip through his fingers. _It could be worse_ , Shepard thought with a smirk.

Damn it, now _he_ was starting to sound like Kaidan.

“Did you hear me, Shepard?” Garrus’ voice cut through Shepard’s thoughts again, and Shepard threw himself back into his present reality.

“Yep,” he nodded, “loud and clear”

“Not loud enough, obviously.” Garrus’ wings twitched slightly, a reflex action when the archangel suspected something wasn’t exactly lining up. “Something the matter with your new charge, or...?”

Shepard shook his head quickly, discreetly attempting to inch his wings further away from Garrus’ own, lest he attempt to flick through Shepard’s memories with a single touch. “Aside from the fact that the guy is boring as anything,” _Sorry, Kaidan_ , “then no. Nothing’s wrong with that guy.”

Garrus watched him with an unreadable expression on his face. “Anderson seemed pretty eager to hand him over to you though, Shepard, considering what happened—”

“Last time?” Shepard spat with sudden anger. Garrus shifted in his position, his wings curling in on themselves. “I realise that I royally screwed things over, Garrus, but the hesitation that _everyone_ has with me right now is getting pretty damn old.”

“Can you blame them, though?” Garrus frowned, taking his arm off of the bench and placing it in his lap. “I’m surprised that they even _allowed_ you to become a guardian, Shepard. It’s a pretty grey category, and you’ve always had to do the noble thing and try to save them all.”

Shepard groaned, burying his face into his hands. “What is the _damn_ point of being assigned to protect them when we can’t even interfere with their deaths?”

Million dollar question. With Kaidan around, Shepard would be rolling in the notes.

“I’m going to ask you the same thing I asked you back when you offered yourself up for the guardianship, Shepard.” Garrus levelled Shepard with an intense look, full of authority. “ _Why_ are you doing this?”

“Why?” Shepard scoffed, and gestured to the crowd of people before them. “ _This_ is why, Garrus. Humans are... this _amazing_ thing, and they don’t even realise just how much. I mean, _look_ at them.”

In an angels gaze, humanity was something else. Humans were shining wisps of light, tendrils dancing towards the sky, and their souls sang songs that radiated warmth and hope. Humans were a wonderful creation, the Big Man’s favourite one, and they held the heavens up, another silver lining dancing on the edge of the horizon.

Humans were amazing, and Shepard loved all of them.

Garrus was quiet for a moment, contemplating Shepard’s words, before he stood up. His wings stretched outwards past Shepard to a great distance, and Shepard could see why Garrus was an archangel instead of himself.

“You’re starting to sound like the defectors, Shepard.” Garrus said. “This isn’t like you.”

Shepard frowned, trying to appear unfazed. “Garrus, you _know_ me, just like I know all of my charges. I’m not saying that I want to fall like the others, I’m just saying that I understand _why_ they fall.”

Garrus still appeared unconvinced. With a resigned sigh, he whipped his wings out behind him sharply, and Shepard had to duck down because _showoff Garrus you’re a showoff_ even if no one else could see the large appendages hanging from his back. A lone grey and white feather floated into Shepard’s lap, and he watched it for a moment before picking it up with two fingers.

“Shepard,” Garrus began, “you’re my friend, my Brother, and my comrade. I trust you with my whole being—”

Shepard smirked, twirling the ombre feather between his fingers. “You’re one of the good ones, buddy.”

“—but believe me when I say,” Garrus continued as though Shepard hadn’t interrupted, “that if I find out you’re disobeying orders like last time, then Hell will seem like a picnic compared to what will be in store for you.”

“Gee, thanks.” Shepard tried not to appear unperturbed. “Was it necessary to bring up _that_ place again?”

“ _Shepard._ ”

Shepard waved the feather at Garrus, his typical shit-eating grin on his face. “I get it Garrus. Be a good and proper Son. I’m doing pretty well so far, right?"

Garrus glared at Shepard for a moment and shook his head with a sigh, his small mouth curled into a cat-like grin. The archangel looked towards the crowd of people, tendrils of light beckoning sharply with each passing second, before he looked towards the inscrutable blue sky above them.

“Just because you can handle your charge Shepard,” Garrus’ eyes flitted to the feather still in Shepard’s fingers, “doesn’t mean that he won’t convince you to dance.”

With _that_ piece of work hanging in the air, Garrus disappeared in a flash. A large gust of wind filled the area, throwing hats and children alike to the ground. Shepard rolled his eyes as the dust settled, but an uneasy feeling snuck into his core and he found it impossible to push away.

Trying to focus on the crowd of humans gathering their wits end again, amazed by the sudden gust of wind and ignorant to the man suddenly alone on the park bench, Shepard desperately tried not to take Garrus’ words in the literal sense.

Besides Shepard was a terrible dancer anyway, he would probably scare Kaidan off.

Still, the feeling inside was one to worry about. It was absurd for Shepard to feel so much for his charge already, and they had only known each other... what, two weeks? Shepard had spent half of that time out of sight even, just as a general precaution lest there be an unwanted heavenly gaze thrown in his direction once again.

Liara had known about him— Shepard shook his head. No way, not opening _that_ flood-gate.

He knew so much about Kaidan though, even the little things that the man himself hadn’t yet come to realise. Like how Kaidan preferred his coffee dark and bitter, how Kaidan’s wrist often cramped up after signing mountains of paperwork for exactly three hours, and how each morning before he left his apartment, Kaidan would repeat the phrase _it could be worse_ three times, his fingers tracing the wood patterns on his front door.

Granted that knowing little things like that could be considered creepy, and the last word Shepard wanted people to associate with him was _creepy_ because he wasn’t. Really. Guardian angel, remember? He’s allowed to know private details about his charge’s life. It was perfectly fine.

Damn, he thought to himself, that wasn’t convincing at _all_.

Shepard looked to the people, to the tendrils of light that danced from their fingertips, and took a deep breath. The feather weighed heavy in his hand.

*

If Shepard were to tell Ashley about the time that his current charge had settled him down on his living room sofa with the promise of a home-cooked meal floating in the background, she probably would have beat him with her wings and put him on sentry duty in the middle of the Sahara desert.

Or something to that extent. Ashley was capable of terrifying things.

The problem with that was the fact that Shepard was _actually_ sitting on Kaidan’s sofa, a plate of food in his lap, his wings freed and brushing the floor behind him, and his charge still puttering around in his small kitchen in search of wine.

Apparently Friday nights were ‘feel-seedy-as-all-anything—for-Saturday-morning’ nights, and hell that Kaidan didn’t deserve to do something like that once or twice.

(He actually did it every week, but Shepard wasn’t going to judge. Then again, _guardian angel_.)

Shepard eyed the food with a wary eye. It wasn’t as though he _couldn’t_ eat food, more that it didn’t taste like anything and after it went down, it just sort-of stayed there for a little while. The feeling was like when Shepard had a strand of hair stuck to his skin that he couldn’t brush away: it was _annoying_ , and unneeded.

That was one thing that all angels could relate to about humans.

He prodded the beef stir-fry with his fork before putting it in his mouth and chewing like the good angel he was. Nothing magical happened, to Shepard’s disappointment. There was no sudden burst of flavour on his tongue, no taste buds screaming with joy. It was a little rubbery, actually, and bland. He had hoped that maybe eating a meal made by Kaidan would awaken a hidden shred of humanity within him, but such was life.

_Actually_ , Shepard smirked as he chewed, _it could be worse_.

Kaidan sat down on the couch opposite Shepard, his own plate piled high with beef and vegetables, and handing over a glass of deep red wine to Shepard. The angel took the glass with veiled trepidation, and tried to ignore the fact that their fingers brushed as he done so.

“I get the feeling that you’re not a fan of red wine.” Kaidan commented lightly, tucking into his meal.

Shepard huffed as he fumbled with the wine glass. The dark liquid sloshed around slightly. “Aside from the fact that it’s a form of blasphemy because _this is my blood_ and all that, it’s not like I can even get buzzed from this."

Kaidan raised his eyebrows, and _huh they did look like furry caterpillars_. “Another one of your angel tricks?”

“We’re pure and holy in every way,” Shepard said, “so any form of sin is constantly purged from our bodies.”

“Handy.” Kaidan grinned, taking a sip of his own wine. Shepard tried not to watch. “So you’ve never experienced a hangover?”

Shepard shook his head, ignoring the blank taste in his mouth. “Can’t say I’ve ever wanted to, anyway.”

Kaidan chuckled, and Shepard saw the Kaidan’s plate was almost empty. He knew that the man had an impressive appetite, like useless knowledge he absorbed and never thought about again, but seeing it first-hand was almost ridiculous.

“Well,” Kaidan reached over and plucked the wine glass from Shepard’s hand, “it’d be a shame to let it go to waste.”

As the evening wore on, however, it became clear to Shepard that despite the fact that Kaidan could indeed hold his drink, it didn’t necessarily mean he could _control_ it. It was pretty laughable to see Kaidan loosen-up slightly, the tension falling from his shoulders and a small smile dancing on his lips. Shepard knew that self-control was a thing that Kaidan heavily relied on, but seeing him like that?

It was even more awesome than Garrus’ wings.

“It’s... pretty obvious that I wanted to ‘mpress you,” Kaidan slurred slightly, though he did his best sitting up straight, “huh?”

Shepard chuckled from his perch against the wall, his wings fanning out on either side of him and resting gently against the floor. “It _was_ pretty obvious. I mean, dinner and a show?”

“But there wasn’t a... show?” Kaidan blinked, fumbling with the stem of his wine glass.

“Oh, I don’t know.” Shepard gestured at Kaidan’s drunken form, because there was no other word for it: his charge was _drunk_. What with his limbs sprawled along the large sofa and his chin propped up on a pillow, a wine glass in his hand and his dignity long since thrown out the window. Shepard gave up trying to look for it a few hours ago.

Kaidan frowned at him, and it was kind of adorable. “I’ll have you _know_ ,” he said, pointing a threatening finger in Shepard’s general direction, “that I’ve had a _really_ long week and—”

“—it could be worse?” Shepard finished with a smirk.

“That’s _right_! You’re learning, angel-buddy,” Kaidan sat up on the sofa slightly and grinned stupidly at Shepard, “and the only way that it could be worse is if you hated everything I did for you tonight!”

Shepard’s core warmed up at Kaidan’s words, and all he wanted to do was bury his charge within the spread of his wings and... alright, his thoughts were becoming a worry. So instead of losing himself within the confines of his mind, Shepard pushed himself off the wall and walked over to Kaidan.

“Kaidan,” he said softly, kneeling down and daring himself to place a hand on Kaidan’s bare arm, “I could _never_ hate anything you do, especially if you do it for me.”

Kaidan gazed up at Shepard for a moment, and _wow_ his eyes were a lovely shade of brown. Like honey, or the colour of scented oils from Jerusalem, and it was so remarkably _Kaidan_ that Shepard had to catch his breath. They were so close, and if Shepard—

“You’re jus’ saying that,” Kaidan laughed and Shepard was thankful for the sanity check, “but... thanks."

Oh, but if Kaidan knew _exactly_ how Shepard felt. It was impossible to describe, and if Shepard was given the means to do as such, the words wouldn’t come. _Couldn’t_ come. It was impossible to function around Kaidan, because Kaidan was actually his everything. The man sprawled along the sofa in a drunken haze was Shepard’s everything.

Definitely not good.

“Hey, Shepard?” Kaidan’s voice was serious, and Shepard turned his attention back to him. “Have I ever told you just how nice your wings are?”

Shepard couldn’t stop the smile that burst onto his lips, and he ruffled his wings with pride. Take _that_ , Garrus. He brought one of his wings over his shoulder, allowing the feathers to dance softly along Kaidan’s body. Kaidan snorted and tried to swat them away, but it was a half-hearted attempt.

Kaidan brought his hand to the plumage, allowing the feathers to whisper through his fingertips. Shepard’s heart was in his throat. “They’re nice. Gorgeous, actually.”

Shepard was in too deep but he couldn’t think about just _how_ deep, not with Kaidan’s fingers brushing his feathers into place, a low hum in the air between them. Kaidan’s fingers were warm, just like the first time he tentatively approached the feathers, questions filling the air before them.

It’s strange to think how far they had come. Wonderful, but strange. Shepard tried to push the thoughts from his mind, because that was dangerous territory to approach, especially for _him_. Kaidan was his charge, the one he had sworn to protect, it was forbidden for everything that had happened between them to even _occur._

Shepard was in deep. A perfect visual would be the blue ocean floor: the dark, bottomless void, and the more Shepard dived, the harder it became to breathe again.

Damn _metaphors_. Ashley would definitely put him on sentry duty for coming up with crap like that.

Kaidan’s fingers fell lax against the now-smooth surface of his wings. Shepard noticed that Kaidan was slowly nodding off, and he huffed in amusement.

“Hey, I don’t exactly want to stick around to watch you sleep. First of all, it’s a little creepy. Secondly, it proves how terrible of a host you are.”

Shepard gripped his charge’s shoulder, ignoring the warmth from his skin beneath the shirt, and Kaidan absently reached up to link their fingers together. _Breathe_ , _Shepard_.

“I don’t know, I wouldn’t mind if you watched me sleep,” Kaidan mumbled as he slipped further away, “just so, uh, you know.”

With that, Kaidan fell asleep.

The tension from his shoulders melted away in his easy slumber, and Shepard couldn’t let go of Kaidan’s hand. His fingers were smooth, and Shepard wanted to kiss down the length of Kaidan’s heart lines. His core sang happily, its crescendo like a flickering candle catching the tail-end of the breeze.

Shepard settled down onto the floor, bringing his knees up to his chest, and watched Kaidan in his slumber. Well, Kaidan _did_ say that it was alright. To hell with it, Shepard thought painfully.  He allowed his wings to cover Kaidan like a blanket, and the man shifted in his sleep at the soft press of Shepard’s feathers against the bare skin of his arms and neck.

Kaidan was his ocean, and Shepard was letting the current wash over him.

Yeah. he thought, that was a perfect metaphor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that wasn't too mushy for you all! Or filler-y. It felt a little filler-y to me. Except not really because Shepard is coming to grips with everything he feels for Kaidan and _guys_ , it's all downhill from here ;w; 
> 
> Okay, here's the scoop: I'm going overseas for a month and a half next week and I don't actually know _when_ I'll be able to update next. I have the whole story planned out, so that's taken care of, but you know what? I'm going to try and churn out the next chapter before I leave. No promises, but I'll try and therefore no one can criticise me!
> 
> Much thanks to Crossley (adamnrayofsunshine) for Shepard's dialogue on his wings! I also haven't gone over this chapter for spelling mistakes, but I will later on C: Hope you all like it! <33


	5. Interlude: Little Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Kaidan Alenko was having a bad day, Liara T'Soni was having a bad day. Not 'bad', per se. More iffy. Definitely iffy.

Liara T’Soni was having a bad day.

Of course there were others worse off, and Liara was more than thankful for the opportunities that life had granted her. She had a roof over her head, a slowly-mending relationship with Benezia ( _very_ slowly because her mother liked to make things difficult), and the smiles waiting for her in the pediatrics outpatient room. Surely she had a lot going for her, right?

Then again, she was more than entitled to feel a little... iffy about the events of her day. It’s not to say that her day in general was _bad_ , but rather the general _feeling_ of her day was bad.

It started early enough, as normal. Liara wasn’t on call for the rest of the week so she slept in until the tremendous time of six a.m and drank through her usual cup of green tea. Traffic was light as Liara turned into the exit lane, and Javik had scavenged together her favourite pair of soft-blue scrubs to wear for the day.

“Thank you Javik,” she said as she looked down at her chart and _oh yes, Rila is checking out today._

Javik frowned, or continued frowning as it was his default face, and remarked that, “Only because I no longer need to work alongside you after today, T’Soni.”

Oh yes, Liara thought, Javik was leaving today. The small part of her that decidedly disliked Javik, in all his tall, brooding glory, was bouncing with joy. The traitorous part of her that was decidedly attracted to Javik, in all his tall, brooding glory, was a little disappointed.

“Well,” she said with a bright smile, “at least one of us is looking forward to seeing my face again.”

“I certainly am _not_.” Javik growled.

“It is not always about you, Javik.”

From then on, her day became a little... weird. What was the word she used? Iffy. Her day became iffy. There were consultations to pour through, children screaming around her feet and pulling on her ginger ponytail, and by the time she was sitting in her office alongside Rila and her mother Samara, she was bone-tired.

It was only one o’clock as well. Lovely.

Samara was holding Rila’s injured hand in her lap, and Rila was trying to copy her mother’s posture in her own chair. Liara stifled a giggle as the young girl wiggled in her seat. She remembered a time where her own mother was the centre of her galaxy, beautiful in her eyes and capable of anything. Liara missed those days.

“It’s safe to say that the cast should come off within six or so weeks, Samara.” Liara said with a warm smile.

“Liara,” Samara said softly, her fingers tracing her daughter’s small arm, “I’m thankful for all that you have done for my daughter.”

“It’s no problem,” Liara shrugged, “she was an eager patient!”

Samara gave Rila a Look, and Rila tried to shrink back into the chair. Liara held her hands out in front of her because _context Liara._ “What I mean to say is that she followed my instructions without _any_ argument, and did so with a lovely smile. She gets that from you, Samara.”

“Of course,” Samara sighed, “you’ll forgive me for my brashness, but I always assume the worst when it comes to my children.”

“Well, children _are_ unpredictable,” Liara commented lightly because she didn’t want to open _that_ floodgate, “but Rila was my diamond in the rough.”

Rila giggled then, obviously unused to such high praise from her doctor, and Liara reached into her desk drawer in hopes of procuring a lollipop for the young girl. It was then that Rila’s eyes fell onto the front of Liara’s desk, and the girl frowned slightly.

“Doctor T’Soni?” Rila pointed at an empty space on Liara’s desk, and Liara followed her finger in confusion. “Why have you got a feather on your desk?”

What?

Both Samara and Liara stared at the young girl for a moment. Liara knew for a fact that she did _not_ have a feather on her desk, despite how messy it was, and she knew for a fact that if she _did_ have a feather on her desk, then she would have the decency to tuck it away out of sight. Liara was a professional, after all.

“There isn’t a feather there, Rila.” Liara said, fumbling with a bright blue lollipop. “It must be your imagination.”

“Perhaps her painkillers have not worn off yet,” Samara commented lightly, and the woman placed a hand on Rila’s forehead, who disapprovingly shook her head.

“I feel fine, mother,” Rila stressed, “but there really is a feather on her desk!”

Samara led Rila out of the room soon after, ignoring the protests from the small child. All that Liara could do was put away the small treat that Samara had refused for her daughter and gaze at the empty spot on her messy desk. She reached out a tentative hand, her heart in her throat as her fingers drew closer, before catching herself and drawing back in annoyance.

Children had a habit of making things up, after all. It wasn’t a questionable matter. Perhaps Samara was right about Rila’s painkillers...

Still, Liara walked the wards for the rest of the day glancing over her shoulder. That iffy feeling from before? It materialised into the nagging thought that somebody was watching her. She didn’t like it one bit.

*

So that was Liara’s iffy day, and her iffy day decided to take a turn for the worst in the form of her car refusing to start. Noticing the fuel light blink happily against the dark dashboard, she rested her head against the steering wheel and took a few deep breaths. It wasn’t the first time she had forgotten to get fuel, and she only had herself to blame.

 _Always so forgetful, Little Wing_.

With a heavy sigh, Liara collected her things, tugged her coat around her body, and made leeway to the nearest bus stop which was... six blocks away, naturally. It was a few minutes into her journey, the glow of her cell phone guiding her way through the gaps between the streetlights, that the hairs on the back of her neck stuck up and it wasn’t because of the chill in the air.

Somebody was following her.

Liara wasn’t a rash woman. She wasn’t the type of person to make a scene in the middle of the night, and try to beat away her shadow with her handbag. She was a doctor, not a superhero. That’s not to say that Liara didn’t know how to defend herself either, because she wasn’t going to lie down and take what was coming to her. Of course not.

So she continued to walk down the street, her heart in her throat, the breeze tickling her skin, and her phone lighting her path. Her hands felt a little clammy. The strangers footsteps were light, cautious even, as though even they were debating on whether or not to stop her.

That was strange, but their game of cat and mouse was _really_ getting on her nerves. Maybe she should do something a little rash—

Then Liara _did_ do something rash because it honest-to-God felt like something was caressing the back of her neck and that was _completely_ inappropriate, so she gripped onto her handbag tight and spun it around behind her with enough force to knock her stalker into the nearest brick wall.

What happened next was entirely unexpected.

It’s not to say that Liara wasn’t expecting the sight of the creep gathering his bearings against the wall, because that was exactly what she saw. No, she wasn’t expecting her stalker to look completely unassuming, all bright eyes and a dark leather jacket, and she _definitely_ wasn’t expecting the pair of wings magically sprouting from his back in a flash.

Yes, _wings_.

“Damn,” he muttered, rubbing the side of his jaw with a look of appreciation on his face, “but did that come out of left field or what?”

Except Liara didn’t hear a word that came out of his mouth because _goddess are those wings_ and it was then that her new companion followed her gaze, saw the brilliant plumage folding around himself, and cursed softly.

“Damn _things_ —” He began to say, straightening up his jacket with a growl.

“Are those... wings?” Liara questioned softly.

“Uh—”

“They are!” Liara exclaimed, dropping her handbag onto the ground. “Those are wings!”

The man with the wings kneeled down to retrieve Liara’s forgotten handbag, and all Liara could do was simply _look_ at them. Both the wings and the man who had the wings, obviously. They were quite... ruffled, a little unkempt, and she wondered if it would be too forward of her to smooth them down. Yes, probably a little too forward to brush a strangers wings.

They didn’t even look _real_. Maybe they were part of a costume? She studied them a little closer, coming to the conclusion that _no they seem to be part of his general anatomy_ and _they sprout from his shoulder blades like nothing at all_ and _even the joints are layered in a fluffy amount of down_ before the man stood back up again, whacking Liara’s jaw with the top of his head. Liara saw stars for a moment.

“Ow, what the heck?” 

Liara held onto her chin as she took a few steps back, eyes widening with shock. “Oh Goddess, I am so sorry!” 

“What were you even doing?” The man rubbed the top of his skull, a frown on his face. 

She cast her eyes away from him, and bit her lip. “I... just wanted to see whether they were real or not.”

“The wings?” The man blinked, and one of his _wings_ folded over his shoulder as though he was nervous. Liara desperately tried to control her wandering fingers because _honestly he needs a good brushing_. "Well, it's not like I can deny them now... so yeah, they're real."

Now Liara had never taken the time to believe in anything. Even though she worked among children, who were miracles in themselves, it wasn't enough for her to bow her head and pray to an entity who may not have existed. She believed in little things though: the delight on a toddlers face when she procured a treat from her desk drawer, the sunlight warming her skin after an incident-free conversation with Benezia, and little things that happened right in front of her.

This? While it was definitely not little, she could believe in it.

So Liara, for all of her bruised chin and unashamedly clinical approach to an angel's winged glory, could only stand there across from him, the _angel_ , before grinning like a loon.

“Goddess,” she said softly, and the angel smiled back at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This interlude is something I've had written since before I disappeared. It provides a little backstory, a little humour, and even more questions at the end. Never fear: all will be revealed. Hope you all like it <3


	6. Truth

There was a coffee shop around the block from Kaidan’s apartment which brewed the best damn coffee that he had ever tasted. It even surpassed that espresso that Kaidan indulged in when he was touring Southern Italy during a college exchange program many moons ago. Sure, he had the view of the late-afternoon Calabrese mountains at his fingertips and the sharp bitterness of roasted coffee beans on his tongue; what else could be better than that?

The answer? A tall americano by a rain-soaked window inside of a coffee shop in lower Vancouver. Not even the Italians could beat a little slice of home.

So on a particular Sunday morning, only a week or so after Kaidan had made a complete fool of himself in front of his _attractive_ guardian angel, he walked into his regular coffee shop with a craving for his signature brew. Maybe a toasted bagel as well.

Of course, despite the fact that Kaidan had also brought along an unfinished portfolio and was fully intent on finishing it before the morning was over and reality pulled Kaidan away from his little slice of heaven (no pun intended if his situation was common knowledge), life didn’t exactly turn out the way he had planned.

What was that saying on his calendar again? Oh: _it could be worse_.

*

The page of text before him was littered with comments in blue or red ink. Adjust the growth here, recalculate the figures there, and _why doesn’t any of this even add up_? Kaidan took another sip of his coffee, rich and bitter against his tongue, and wondered why he didn’t listen to his father and earn a PhD in anything but _this_.

He desperately tried not to think about the still-unanswered voicemail from his mother, nor the ass-handing that Udina would instigate the following morning if the numbers didn’t add up, and Kaidan _definitely_ didn’t think about the previous Saturday evening.

(“Benders are never a good thing, Alenko,” Kaidan said to himself. “Even though they seem like a good idea at the time.”)

Or the fact that he hadn’t seen Shepard since then, which wasn’t necessarily worrying because Kaidan knew that if he was seconds from death then Shepard would be there to save him. Then he would probably wring Kaidan’s neck anyway which would negate the possibility of a life together with Shepard -

Kaidan was going to stop that train of thought _right there_ because 1) it’s blasphemy, 2) he was, no way, in love with his guardian angel, and 3) it’s blasphemy.

Would it even be possible to fall for a creature of the divine, especially after only a few weeks? Kaidan knew that he was an old-fashioned romantic, but even he had enough sense to realise that _love at first sight_ wasn’t ideal in the world he lived in.

Kaidan amended a paragraph on the page and took another bite of the bagel. All of the angel bullshit aside, there was something about Shepard that Kaidan was extremely attracted to. Ignoring the fact that the guy had huge-ass wings coming out of his back and a really nice face, because it was a _REALLY_ nice face, Kaidan came to the conclusion that Shepard was the kind of man he would want to be with.

It was in the little things. It was always in the little things. The way Shepard looked at Kaidan like he was the only other person in the room, the way the corner of his mouth curled upwards over Kaidan’s antics, and-

Kaidan really was the centre of Shepard’s world. His universe, even. Kaidan was to Shepard like the sun was to organic life; _everything_.

Okay, Kaidan thought, even he couldn’t stomach _that_ amount of cheese.

Another bite of the bagel, another gulp of the coffee, and Kaidan attempted to keep his head down and work through the paperwork. Which worked for awhile until sheer trepidation settled onto his shoulders because it had been a little over a week since he had even _seen_ Shepard.

Even though Shepard had mentioned countless times before that he was a warrior before he became a guardian, maybe he had been called back into active duty. Fighting demons and hellspawn, Kaidan supposed, and then he couldn’t stop the small chuckle that bubbled in his chest. Would that make Kaidan an army wife awaiting news of her beloved from their homestead?

Alright, he really shouldn’t have read through his mother’s romance novels as a curious teenager.

Kaidan cursed his existence once again for turning out less-than-stellar, sans the guardian angel, before attempting to return to his paperwork.

Which would have worked had a brunette woman in a bright pink cardigan not simply sat down on the empty chair across from him, placed her apple danish on top of his paperwork, and given Kaidan a bright smile as though she knew him.

The problem with this was that 1) Kaidan had never seen her before, 2) there were danish crumbs all over his paperwork, and 3) her bright cardigan clashed with the inky black feathers that made up the wings on her back--

“Holy shit,” Kaidan said.

The woman - no, _angel_ \- ruffled her wings in pride. “Yeah, that’s the general reaction.”

A quick glance around the coffee shop confirmed that the general reaction towards the woman with the large raven wings was nonexistent. Words like _corporeal_ and _choice_ floated through Kaidan’s mind, and it occurred to him that he was possibly the only person in the vicinity who was able to see them.

He groaned. “What is it about me that attracts supernatural beings to show off their appendages?”

“Can’t say for sure,” The woman smirked. “You just draw us in, Alenko.”

Kaidan shouldn’t have been surprised that she knew his name. “I’m flattered, and honoured that you think I’m worthy of your time,” _Infinite_ and _immortal_ went unspoken. “But I think it’s fair that I should at least know your name before we start a conversation.”

The angel sat up straighter in her seat, and her wings seemed to curl in slightly, possibly out of nerves. “Ashley.”

“That’s not a very-”

“Finish that sentence,” she hissed, eyes narrowing. “Or walk with a limp for the next three months. Your choice.”

Kaidan didn’t really want to walk with a limp, or discover _why_ he would be walking with a limp, so he decided to keep his comments to himself. Of course, there was the typical questions such as _why are you here_ and _is Shepard alright_ and _seriously why are you here_ , but Ashley was fumbling with her danish and Kaidan was wondering what exactly was even happening.

“Time is precious to a man like you, right?” Ashley said, ripping the pastry between her fingers.

“I suppose,” Kaidan began, still not too sure where the conversation was headed. “Although if an angel wants to talk to me, then I might have some spare time.”

Ashley chuckled, her wings twitching with amusement, and her smile seemed to light up the room. Kaidan instantly felt a little more comfortable. A little.

“Alright, I guess I can see why Shepard... appreciates you so much.”

Kaidan’s heart _didn’t_ skip at the mention of Shepard, nor at the word ‘appreciate’, and he did his best to appear unperturbed. “Really now?”

She nodded, a few strands of dark hair falling around her face. “I could get my ass handed back to me just by having this discussion with you, Alenko.”

“Join the club,” he scoffed. “My boss seems to have a thing for my ass.”

“Don’t blame the man, it’s a _great_ ass.”

Kaidan sighed, internally beaming about the ass appreciation because he _did_ work for it, but a little more desperate to return to the whole _Shepard_ and _appreciate_ side of things. “Is this really what an angel wants to discuss with me?”

Ashley had somehow managed to spill more crumbs atop of his paperwork. “It’s a thing of beauty, Alenko. Don’t knock it.”

“ _Ashley_.” She was starting to sound like the younger sister that Kaidan never really wanted.

“Fine, _geez_.”

Ashley let out a deep breath before the atmosphere in the room simply... shifted. Kaidan could feel it right down into his bones; the way the gloomy day outside of their window seemed to turn darker, the ambience around them becoming softer with each passing second, and how Ashley was suddenly the commanding figure in the entire area.

Kaidan could count his heartbeats, each rush of air that passed through his lungs, and the adrenaline coursing through his veins as his grip on the pen slackened slightly. The crumbs scattered across the table seemed so insignificant in that moment because the only thing Kaidan could feel was the sheer power that radiated from the creature sitting opposite him.

It was simultaneously amazing and terrifying.

He let out a shuddering breath. “Okay-”

Ashley levelled him with a sharp gaze. “It’s daunting, right? Being around a warrior like me.”

Kaidan, for lack of anything to say and because he would bring up his bagel if he opened his mouth again, simply nodded.

“This is the opposite end of the spectrum, Kaidan.” Ashley continued, her wings rising a little higher over her head. “Whatever you might feel for Shepard, or what you _deny_ since you’re a damn masochist, is dangerous.”

Ashley’s left wing curled around their table, shielding them from the rest of the room, and she leaned in closer. The danish was torn to shreds along the table, forgotten. “You’re not Shepard’s first charge, and I’m sure as hell hoping that you won’t be his last. Regardless of what my Father commands for humanity, Shepard is my Brother first and I will _not_ lose him because of this.”

“So what you’re saying...” Kaidan’s voice was shaking because he was downright _terrified_ in that moment.

“You know _damn_ well what I’m saying, Kaidan.” Ashley hissed, and it was as though the temperature in the room dropped a few degrees by the way Kaidan’s skin broke out into goosebumps. “So what I’m going to tell you should hopefully push away any thoughts you’ve had about him, alright?”

Her demeanour suddenly shifted, wings falling back into their natural grace, her lips curling into a mischievous smile, and _how come the danish looked good as new_. Seriously, it had been shredded barely fifteen seconds before and right then it looked as though it had just been pulled from the oven. There was even steam wafting from its crispy, golden brown surface.

Kaidan shook his head, gripping his pen tighter for some semblance of control. “Seriously...”

“Now,” Ashley chirped brightly, and Kaidan tried not to look at her cardigan. “Has my Brother ever mentioned someone named Liara?”

*

Kaidan wasn’t exactly an expert on relationships. There was Rahna back in high school, which was sweet and innocent and something that would stay with him until his last days because it simply _was_. Then there were a few flings through college (which was a blur and he’d rather not talk about those years, please), before a dry spell hit once his thirties had settled into his bones.

What he _did_ know was enough to keep any of his future relationships chugging forward, full steam ahead! The list in his head went something like: it takes _two_ to tango (and Kaidan wasn’t half bad at that side of things, if that medical student back in his younger years had anything to say about it), don’t neglect the little things (because the little things are easily neglected), and communication is the key.

Communication, Kaidan thought as his apartment building came into view, was the reason why relationships fail in the first place. Not for lack of it, not for _excess_ of it, but because the messages never seemed to get across.

How often was it that Rahna and he would sit down to discuss the little things? ( _Little things!_ ) Granted that they were both teenagers at the time (and that the biggest worry on their collective minds was whether or not Miss Chambers was in a pop quizzing mood for the following day), but they still _talked_ and it was nice.

 _Nice_ was the best way that Kaidan could describe it because even though their conversations were comprised of little pieces, they were both able to collect those little pieces and keep them close to their hearts.

 _Oh yeah,_ Kaidan scoffed internally, _hopeless romantic achievement unlocked._

It wasn’t as though Kaidan was in a damn relationship with Shepard anyway. Shepard was his guardian angel. Simple as that. It would have been nice if Kaidan knew a little more about the creature who perched on his balcony at night though. Shepard knew everything about Kaidan, after all. It was only fair.

(What Ashley had told Kaidan about Liara though... _damn_. Kaidan wished that he had heard it from Shepard instead. It felt too personal to be hearing it from someone else, even if she had known Shepard for centuries. _Centuries_... damn.)

Walking into his apartment building, Kaidan knew that he shouldn’t have expected too much. C’est la vie, e’ la vita, _that’s life_. Kaidan’s life, that is. He was stuck in a dead-end job with a collection of voicemails from his mother, a calendar which reminded daily just how fantastically _shit_ his life was, and he had feelings for an entity that he shouldn’t even know existed.

God was laughing at him, for sure.

At least Kaidan missed the rain, for once. He looked back at the harrowing weather with triumph, grateful that something was _finally_ going his way, and hurried up the stairs. Shepard was still on his mind of course, with his great white wings and crooked smile, and Kaidan was hoping an afternoon of mindless reality television would numb the warm bubble in his chest that was associated with _Shepard._

“Honey,” Kaidan sang as he opened his front door. “I’m home.”

The fact that Kaidan wasn’t expecting anyone to answer made it about twenty times more terrifying when someone _did_ answer back. Kaidan definitely didn’t shriek, drop his portfolio to the ground, and clutch his chest like a cardiac patient when he saw—

Shepard. In his apartment. Wings freed from their confine and a crease between his brow but that trademark smile on his lips when his bright eyes captured Kaidan’s.

“This is becoming a habit,” Shepard laughed, rushing over to retrieve the paperwork scattered across the carpet “I bet you’re doing it on purpose.”

“Where have you been?” Kaidan said, not unlike a frustrated housewife.

Shepard fumbled with the papers as he met Kaidan’s eyes again and _damn_ , but it was easy for Kaidan to lose himself in those baby blues. “I was dealing with... ‘angel business’ is the best way to describe it.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan scoffed. “I thought that your _angel business_ was to protect me.”

Ignoring the confused expression on Shepard’s face, Kaidan shoved past the angel. He wasn’t entirely sure _why_ he was getting upset. Maybe he was like a frustrated housewife. Shepard closed the front door and followed him through to the living room. The rain outside continued to pour.

“Of course it is, Kaidan, but I can’t be expected to neglect my other duties.”

“Circle of life, and all that?” Kaidan remarked almost scathingly. (Oh, he was acting like a diva today. Not unlike that Aria T’Loak character on _Real Housewives_.)

Shepard frowned at him for a moment, placing the paperwork down onto the sofa. “I would’ve known the second that something happened to you anyway. What I do outside of my watch is what _has_ to be done, no two ways.”

Maybe Kaidan was overreacting but the conversation with Ashley was still fresh in his mind. _Liara, Liara, Liara_.

“Who told you that name?” Shepard asked firmly, and Kaidan realised that he had said it out loud.

*

_“Shepard revealed himself to Liara, and they sort-of became best friends after that. It’s crazy! A human and an angel: BFF’s? It’s like the punchline to a bad joke. Still, they were pretty damn tight. Shepard was always there with Liara. I guess that her humanity captivated my Brother... I can’t fault him for his curiosity.”_

_“So, what happened?”_

*

He stood his ground. “Who was Liara to you, Shepard?”

“It was Ashley, wasn’t it?” Shepard growled. “I _knew_ something was wrong when you disappeared from my sight today.”

As much as Kaidan wanted to question that whole ‘sight’ thing, he couldn’t distract Shepard from this. He took a few steps closer to his guardian angel, and Shepard was honestly the most gorgeous thing in the room right then. His wings were beautiful in their own right, radiating pure energy and warmth, light dancing off the surface of the feathers, and Kaidan hazily remembered running his hands through the plumage.

“Shepard,” Kaidan said softly, because he wasn’t angry anymore. He couldn’t be angry with Shepard. “I know. I _know_ , and it’s alright. It doesn’t change how--”

“No,” Shepard’s wings folded behind his back sharply, and Kaidan swallowed. 

*

_“A guardian is not allowed to interfere with the fate of their charge. It’s the one law that rises above them all. Each charge has a purpose for their creation, but at the same time, things can change. If they’re meant to walk through the valley prematurely, it’s not to be questioned.”_

_“I’m guessing that Liara...”_

_“Doctor Liara T’Soni was supposed to die in a car accident. Something changed_ _—_ _”_

_“You mean, someone intervened?”_

_“Wild guess as to who it was.”_

*

Kaidan shook his head. “Shepard, she’s still alive. Liara is still _alive_. She’s out there in the world right now, living the life that could have been taken from her.”

Shepard wasn’t looking at Kaidan, but Kaidan took another step closer. If he was the hopeless romantic that he often labelled himself as, Kaidan could have counted the scattering of freckles along Shepard’s features. The flecks of grey in his eyes. His lashes dusting his cheeks. Kaidan could have traced away the lines on Shepard’s brow.

Instead, he left his arms by his sides.

They were close, simply put. They were _close_ and it was... nice, despite the situation.

“Shepard...”

*

_“Our Higher’s gave Shepard an ultimatum: allow fate to have its course, or lose Liara forever.”_

_“Lose?”_

_“Liara would survive but her memory would be erased. She wouldn’t know about Shepard, or the existence of angels. Her life would carry on but Shepard wouldn’t be in it.”_

  
_“I guess I know what he chose.”_

_“Shepard loved Liara. He saw something in her that the Highers couldn’t. He sees something in humanity as a whole that only the fallen can see. So, he chose for her to live and Shepard was sent to patrol the depths of Hell as punishment for his insubordination."_

_“...Remind me not to bring that place up again.”_

_“Gladly.”_

*

Shepard’s wings suddenly curled around the both of them, making Kaidan realise just _how_ close they were, and then—

What happened next wasn’t exactly what Kaidan had expected to happen. He wasn’t expecting Shepard to crowd a little closer to him, the heat from his angel’s skin against his own sending his heart into overdrive. Kaidan wasn’t expecting Shepard’s strong hands to cradle his jaw, to press their brows together and simply _breathe_. All that Kaidan could do was hold onto Shepard’s hips, take in as much of _Shepard_ as he could and—

That moment was everything. It was Shepard saving Kaidan’s sorry ass on a chilly Vancouver evening, and his crooked smile as he perched outside on Kaidan’s balcony, the knowledge that he was being watched over, protected, _loved_ , and... the little things. The little things.

The rain continued to thrash against the outside world. Shepard kissed the corner of Kaidan’s mouth, and Kaidan’s heart stopped in its tracks.

“Kaidan,” Shepard breathed against his skin. “I’ve seen mountains rise and empires fall. I’ve pulled stars from the sky and watched them burn in my hands.”

 _Bet you say that to all of your charges_ , a part of Kaidan thought, but the less traitorous part of himself knew that every word was meant for him. He pressed himself further against Shepard, desperate to be closer to him, and Shepard was so damn _warm_.

“I’ve loved,” Shepard whispered. “and I’ve lost, and I will _not_ lose again.”

It was all that Kaidan could do to palm his hand upwards to brush his fingers along the feathers of Shepard’s wings, to feel the warmth that radiated off their brilliant, if ruffled surface and Shepard shuddered beneath his touch.

“Are you going somewhere with all of this, Shepard?” Kaidan asked softly, and he could feel the smile on Shepard’s mouth before Shepard closed the distance and—

It was _warm_ , and soft. All of Kaidan’s senses went into overdrive because Shepard, and _kissing_ Shepard was impossible to describe. Shepard tasted of light, something sweet, musky, and simply _warm_. There was a brush of tongue, feathers tickling the back of Kaidan’s neck, and Kaidan needed to be _closerclosercloser_ _—_

Shepard pulled back briefly, and Kaidan made a soft sound. There was a moment when Shepard simply breathed Kaidan in, his thumbs brushing Kaidan’s cheekbones and his wings like a protective cocoon around them.

“I’ve known all of those things, Kaidan.” Shepard sounded breathless as he spoke, and Kaidan relished in being responsible for that. “But you’re above it all. You’re the only thing that matters anymore.”

The clinch from moments before was feather-light, but Kaidan put his all into the next one. It wasn’t messy, but it was a clash of lips and tongue. Kaidan was _desperate_ for every part of Shepard, every part of this being that considered his existence to be _everything_. He was desperate for more of Shepard’s warmth, for every press of skin and every soft sound that came from Shepard’s throat.

The desperation that Kaidan was feeling wasn’t animalistic. It was the furthest thing from it. No, this desperation was _love_ and everything that came with it.

( _Hopeless romantic trophy awarded._ )

*

Then Shepard pulled back completely and he was on the other side of the room by the time that Kaidan had gathered his bearings enough to even blink. Had all of that just happened?

“I...” Shepard began, sounding as though he had a lump in his throat. “I should go.”

Yeah, it had. Kaidan ran a hand through his hair and let out a huff of disbelief. He wasn’t _that_ rusty when it came to things like that, right?

“You should go, or you have to go?” Kaidan questioned, still reeling from _that_ and _am I seriously that bad of a kisser?_

Shepard shrugged, his wings twitching with nerves (and a few feathers falling to the carpet, again), and avoided Kaidan’s gaze. “Both. Both is good. Also the best excuse that I can come up right now, so...”

Kaidan wanted to argue, to stamp his foot and _demand_ Shepard to stay so that they could finish what they started. Kaidan Alenko, however, was not Aria T’Loak from _Real Housewives_ and he was not going to throw around his mental stability because the man (angel) that he was in love with was simply _leaving_.

Even though Shepard had disappeared for a damn week, space sounded good right about then. Kaidan needed to think, to put himself back in control, because when Shepard was around...

“Alright,” Kaidan said softly, taking a few steps closer to the angel. “Go. Just know that I’ll be waiting until you get back.”

Shepard watched Kaidan for a moment, and it looked as though he was taking it all in. His right wing stretched out towards Kaidan, the tips of the feathers brushing along Kaidan’s bicep, before he disappeared.

The fact that Kaidan sat on top of his paperwork once the last feather floated to the ground simply proved just how fucked up the whole thing had become. Simply put: Kaidan was in love with his guardian angel, who basically loved him back.

His calendar was wrong, for once. It could be better. It _definitely_ could be better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grazie mille per [pizzaguy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pizzaguy) beta-ing la prima metà del capitolo! My rush to post the next chapter overtook the need for beta-ing so mi dispiace for any grammatical errors. I've been waiting a little while to have this chapter written. Spero che ti piace ♥


	7. Choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay in updating! Many thanks to Mat for being an awesome beta <3

Shepard remembers Hell clearly, and Hell wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. The scriptures state that it is a place of fire and brimstone, chains and torture. Shepard only agrees with the torture part.

Hell is cold, not frighteningly so, but it was cold enough to send his core into a fit of unease. His patrols along the valleys and the hills were not to be taken lightly because even Shepard, a centuries-old warrior of God, was unable to find strength against the tides of darkness that battered against his flesh.

It started with the chill, settling deep into his bones and truly discovering exactly what _cold_ was. The cold environment that was Hell and all of its planes was said to have been subjective among the many branches of angels. For a warrior, it was something that could easily be handled; to be shrugged off in favour of proving themselves in another great battle for the honour of their Father.

But for a guardian, for _Shepard_ , it was different.

His empathy towards humanity and all of its wonderful qualities was a curse during his time below. Hell’s aura fed off of hope, the warmth that should reside within an Angel’s Core, and it made Shepard’s battles much harder to face as time wore on. The memories are what stuck with him, what could have been enough to drive him towards insanity at break-neck speed.

Hell was for the damned.

Hell replayed Liara’s smile, bright and warm and familiar, before pulling out her teeth and ripping her jaw clean from her face. Hell danced along the span of his wings, bright and holy in their glory amongst the darkness, before clipping the feathers and burning them to ashes. Hell took Shepard’s empathy towards humanity, the reason why he was there in the first place, and twisted it beyond recognition, reducing everything that he had ever fought for to nothing.

Shepard had left that place barely a shell of the warrior he once was, but his punishment had been deemed worthy enough by the Higher’s. Thankfully.

Shepard doesn’t talk about Hell because of what it did to him. Shepard doesn’t talk about Hell, because during the age he had spent there he had been close to betraying the very existence that had been bestowed unto him. Bowing his head and praying for strength was useless; his prayers weren’t reaching his Father.

Did Father even cast His almighty gaze upon the foolish Son?

He must have. Liara once told Shepard that things usually happen for a reason, because of a domino effect of events that lead up to this very moment in time.

Hell took away most of what Shepard knew, but Hell also brought him closer to Kaidan. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, Shepard didn’t know. The light had stopped illuminating his path a long time ago.

*

There were some warriors who compared the grace of Ashley’s battle skills to that of a leaf fluttering in the breeze. Shepard scoffed because 1) Ashley is anything _but_ graceful, and 2) a majority of their enemies fled from battle once they saw Ashley on the horizon, fierce and proud like a valkyrie.

At this moment in time, however, he wished that Ashley possessed the hypothetical grace that their siblings whispered about amongst the clouds because no sooner had Shepard blinked away from Kaidan’s apartment did Ashley slam him into the side of a building and beat him furiously with her raven wings.

“You _idiot_ ,” she hissed as she snaked a hand around his neck and planted his face into the brick wall. Repeatedly. All Shepard could do was simply take it because it’s not as though Ashley meant any proper physical harm. Yet.

Shepard managed to wriggle out of Ashley’s grasp and pull away from her completely. They resided above the hustle and bustle of Vancouver, not five minutes from Kaidan’s apartment, from _Kaidan_ , but despite the many thoughts running through Shepard’s mind just then, the one above them all was simply _ouch_.

He glided swiftly onto a windowsill, stretching the back of his neck while taking a glance at the sky to avoid Ashley’s furious gaze. “I take it that you felt all of that, huh?”

“All of _Heaven_ felt that, idiot.” Ashley spat, folding her arms across her chest, seemingly unaware of the vein that was throbbing in her temple. “Everyone is pretty damn pissed off right now.”

Shepard said nothing, allowing his fingers to brush against the sandstone blocks he was sitting on and wishing it was Kaidan’s skin instead. Soft, warm, _familiar_. The stone beneath his fingers brought him back to another time before--

“Stop thinking about him!” Ashley whacked Shepard upside the head and Shepard obeyed, since depending on who asked, he was a good angel.

“Can’t help it,” Shepard said, because he was a cocky asshole and that’s how life was until everything went topsy-turvy and the odds were definitely _not_ in his favour.

Then Garrus appeared next to Shepard with a look that spelled _pissed-off_ and _why do you do these things to me Shepard_ , and Shepard tried to distance himself from both his superior and an _archangel_. Garrus’ wings were arched high, filling the small space between the alley and above, blocking whatever sunlight that was filtering from the sky.

Odds? There were no odds.

“Shepard,” Garrus growled, voice low and dangerous. “When it comes to situations such as _these_ -”

“And I can tell you that you’re the only freaking angel to _get_ into _these_ situations-” Ashley interjected.

Garrus swatted Ashley’s face with his wing in annoyance. “In situations like _these_ , then you have no choice but to take the punishment enforced unto you as implemented by the Highers. Understood?”

There were a number of things running through Shepard’s head in that moment. Aside from the obvious tingle of pain against his face, the fact that a pissed-off Ashley was both hilarious and downright _terrifying_ , the fact that Garrus and Ashley were both engaged in a series of wing battings, a clash of raven and dove, and the sheer thought of another punishment following in close succession to his last crime-

Hang on. He was in _pain_.

Pain was difficult to describe. It was an array of sensations that heightened all of his emotions and senses in an instant. It was a fire roaring above and below his skin. It was a constant reminder of all the things that had happened barely ten minutes ago: Kaidan’s fingers running through his feathers, his sweet breath against Shepard’s tongue, the warmth bursting from his Core as Shepard let go, let it all go just for a small moment of surrender.

Pain wasn’t just the aftermath of a faceplant against a brick wall. Pain was being too far from Kaidan and pain was the fear of never seeing him again.

Shepard raised a trembling hand to the side of his jaw, wincing as his fingers touched the blistering skin, and slid to the ground in a subtle state of shock. Garrus and Ashley continued to bicker like siblings, and the clouds continued to float along in the sky. Shepard pressedinto his cheek and hissed as his nerves reacted with _pain_.

“I-it,” Shepard’s breathing was shallow, and the taste of air had no comparison because taste was never a thing for him. Everything was drifting away. “It _hurts_.”

Ashley shoved Garrus away from her feathered appendages long enough to look at Shepard in annoyance, then confusion, before Garrus came to the same conclusion faster and blinked by Shepard’s side instantly. He kneeled down beside Shepard and placed a cool hand over his Brother’s forehead. Shepard could barely feel it while each millimetre of skin against his brow was like a never-ending scream of terror.

“Garrus,” Ashley wrapped a hand around Shepard’s wrist like a lifeline. “ _Garrus_ , is he-”

Then Shepard closed his eyes because exhaustion was a _bitch_ and there was no way this situation could get any worse. Until he opened his eyes again and realised that instead of looking up at the sky, he was actually looking down at the Earth and because he was actually standing on the _Moon_.

Anderson waved in greeting and patted the piece of rock next to him with a small smile.

As much as Shepard appreciated the fact that Anderson was among the authority that passed judgement on the other divine beings such as himself, and that Anderson was the very force that nurtured him into the warrior that his Father had deemed otherwise, Shepard did _not_ appreciate the fact that Anderson had a thing for being a little over-dramatic.

“Anderson, have I ever told you that you’re a little over-dramatic?” Shepard commented lightly as he sat beside the man in question, a contemplative look on his features. “Because I’ll happily repeat it: you’re a little over-dramatic.”

Anderson huffed in amusement. “It keeps you on your toes, son. Appreciate it.”

“Oh yeah,” Shepard shifted in his jacket as he watched the Earth spin in slow-motion. “I do appreciate the raw aftermath of Ashley pounding my face against the side of a building, _thank you_.”

“Never mind the finer details,” Anderson outstretched his wings, their shadow more brilliant than the light reflected against them. “This is serious, Shepard.”

Shepard wanted to comment about the fact that Anderson basically knocked him out to get him the hell away from Ashley and Garrus just so they could sit down on the _moon_ and have a philosophical discussion about Shepard’s Terrible Deeds, but he chose not to.

He ducked his head in guilt. “I can’t worm my way out of this one, huh, Anderson?”

“Not a chance,” Anderson leaned forward on his knees, his face betraying nothing. “I’m risking enough skin just by doing this, Shepard, so I’ll put it as bluntly as I can: you’re finished.”

If Shepard ruffled his own feathers out of their corporeal form just so he could the stretch of bone and sinew from his spine for the last time, Anderson didn’t point out as much. Compared to Anderson’s eagle feathers, sleek and preened to near-perfection, Shepard’s ruffled bunch of mass looked like a complete _joke_.

Anderson let out a breath. “It’s about damn _time_.”

Shepard blinked because 1) Anderson sounded relieved instead of Seriously Pissed Off and 2) he had no clue what the heck was even going on. It was then that Anderson started chuckling and Shepard knew that fear was the sound of Anderson losing his mind.

“Uh, Sir, what the--”

“Let me explain,” Anderson breathed through his laughter and clapped a hand on Shepard’s shoulder. “Just give me a second to catch my breath.”

There was an oxygen, or lack thereof, joke in that moment but Shepard obeyed his orders and allowed the rumble of Anderson’s laughter to fill the galaxy of constellations between them.

“Our Father chooses our path,” Anderson began. “and we are to follow it, no questions asked. Every step of the way has been predetermined by His Will, from our dawn and to our end. We are His loyal followers, doing His bidding as required. Simple.”

“...but?”

“You were anything _but_ simple, Shepard. The series of events leading to this moment was left entirely to _your_ own choice. He gave no say in your existence, the guidance you were to follow. Your free will is what has brought you to this crossroads.”

Shepard doesn’t find it in him to believe a word that Anderson is saying because it’s _impossible_. “But, shit, I’ve been following your orders for as long as I can remember. Why is all of this being put on me now?”

Anderson shook his head. “It’s what we have been told to do, son. We were told to simply give you the choice to do as you please, within reason. Your Guardianship is the only path we were told to place you on because the rest would ‘fall into place’.”

Kaidan rushes through Shepard’s thoughts for a moment, his fingers through his wingspan and his body pressed up against the lines of his own, and everything makes a lot more sense to Shepard.

“So... I’m meant to be human?”

“Sort of,” Anderson smiled. “We're not going to hold your hand through this decision, Shepard. Humanity is something that you will have to face on your own. There won't be any connection to your past life whatsoever; only the memories left in the fray. If you feel strongly enough for the human you have been tasked with, strongly enough to make the choice of _becoming_ human, then yes.”

“I.” Shepard swallowed. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to all of this. I don’t really see why _I’m_ so special.”

“There isn’t an explicit reason for it, Shepard. Our Father believes that you’re worth all of this hassle. Just don’t get a big head over it.”

Shepard smirked. “Too late.”

“Now isn’t exactly the time to be stalling, Shepard. The choice of what to do now is yours.”

Looking back, Shepard had to admit that his existence was always a little different to his other siblings, in those small and insignificant ways. His empathetic nature towards humanity was always considered to be too childish by his siblings and his easy acceptance towards his sentence in Hell was downright scandalous. Ashley was as understanding as lightning against metal, and Garrus was an archangel so that was a lost cause anyway.

True, he had always felt a little different. Enough for his Father to give Shepard the option of free will, of _choice_ ? That was insane. Being a guardian, a warrior, an _angel_ was all that Shepard knew. Being human and empathising with humanity were on opposite ends of the spectrum. It wasn’t something Shepard could really comprehend.

The fact that he wasn’t exactly betraying his own existence with Kaidan, though. The fact that it was of his own _choice_ to feel the way that he did about the very man he swore to protect. That was worth everything.

“I’ll put it into perspective for you, son.” Anderson stood up, gesturing for Shepard to do the same. They both looked down to the vast cut-out of the Northern Hemisphere before their eyes, the moon casting the rest into darkness. “Would you consider doing all of this for Liara?”

“No,” Shepard surprised himself. “Liara was different. She was. No.”

Anderson nodded with finality. “Then there’s your answer.”

For a moment there was clarity. There was Shepard dropping down from a treetop because he liked showing off and because the need to protect was in his nature. There was Shepard perched on Kaidan’s window as the man puttered around in his apartment. There was Shepard shielding Kaidan from the downpour with an outstretched wing, and Shepard’s thumb against Kaidan’s jaw as mountains rose and valleys fell and none of that was compared to the soul cradled against his core.

“Do I get to keep the wings?” Shepard nudged Anderson’s shoulder and decided he would miss that familiar chuckle. He really would.

“You did good, son. I’m proud of you,” Anderson said. “But now you’re asking for too much.”

Then Shepard let go of everything he knew as he stood beside Anderson on the precipice of the unknown. He took a deep breath, stretched out his wings for the last time, and fell into the sky.

It was done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue coming soon! <3


	8. Epilogue

Understanding humanity and being human were on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Humans were akin to the rays of sunlight that broke through an overcast sky. Humans slipped through the cracks of what it was to simply _be_ , walking along the path of creation with their heads down low but their hopes up high. Humans were complex beings led by the simplicity of their desires, like dust motes travelling between the shadows with no clear destination in mind.

Humans were beautiful, and Shepard was human.

It began.

*

Shepard was able to adapt to any situation as a Guardian. Obey the command of the higher authority, never interfere with a charge’s fate, and _protect_. It was as simple as breathing. But Shepard had been living without the air in his lungs for so long and feeding off the energy from his Core as a means to survive.

He was a thirty two year old man with the memories and experiences of a centuries-old angel crammed inside of his soul and bursting from the seams. The journey towards embracing his personal shred of humanity wasn’t easy. Adapting to it all came with a small price.

“You’ll be okay,” Kaidan’s voice was earnest as Shepard stumbled into his arms, unused to breathing without the warmth of his Core inside his chest. “I won’t leave you behind.”

There were times when Shepard thought it would be impossible to continue living, impossible to _survive_. The nights were always the hardest because that was when the walls closed in on him despite Kaidan’s arm around his waist and his steady breathing like a hold onto Shepard’s broken reality.

Each battle that Shepard had faced, each life that he had protected; all of it was still plaguing his thoughts.

Losing his wings was disconcerting at first. He was so used to the weight of the feathered appendages that sprouted between his shoulderblades according to their own free will. Shepard remembered Kaidan’s fingers as they ran through his twisted quills from what seemed like an eternity ago; the rush of adrenaline through Shepard’s veins as those fingers reached the nerve endings and _God_ \- pun intended - it was heavenly.

Now it was Kaidan’s fingers tracing the thick scarring along his shoulders, the memory of charred and burning feathers filling Shepard’s senses and drowning out the tingle of pleasure from Kaidan’s touch. Too often had their little lapses in time ended in a tired embrace, and Shepard tried to make up for the lack of wings and wrap himself around Kaidan until it hurt to stretch anymore.

Humanity was silent. The songs of his Brothers and Sisters were muted to white noise, the traffic passing outside the building, and the rustle of the leaves from the breeze.

For the first time in his long existence, Shepard was alone.

*

There was a small coffee stall just outside of Kaidan’s office building where the muffins were lumpy and the froth on the cappuccinos was nonexistent, but there were tattered novels to read and smooth electronica drifting from the aged speakers next to the coffee grinder. Shepard liked the overall charm and it was a good place to kill the hours until Kaidan finished work. There were things that Shepard had to worry about as well and while a career was definitely among them (waking up one morning with full documentation for a one 'John Shepard' was definitely worthy of an identity crisis, but Shepard was more grateful to Ashley for her insubordination), being human was top priority for that moment.

He was halfway through Alighieri and a latte for the umpteenth time, Vancouver and all of its overcast glory threatening another afternoon shower, when a hunk of human sat on the chair opposite him with a scarred smile and a name tag on his chest with **JAMES VEGA** written in block letters.

“The novels are there for show, Loco,” James gestured at the battered book that Shepard was holding. “People don’t stick around long enough to take in all the words, yeah?”

Shepard blinked. “I can put it back if-”

“Nah.” James waved him off, a fresh tribal tattoo peeking from beneath his shirt sleeve. “I’m just messing with ya. Gotta keep the regulars happy.”

Shepard was stumped for words because how often did a muscled man with muffin crumbs down the front of his shirt attempt conversation with a complete stranger? Regardless, Shepard put the novel down onto the table and gave James a friendly smile.

“Alright, so how do you keep the regulars happy?”

“Ain’t it obvious?” James leaned back in his seat. “Keep the cappuccinos frothy and the music going. Beats that wrecked nightclub a couple of blocks from here anyway.”

“One problem with that, Vega. Your idea of froth is absolutely _none_ at all.”

James shrugged nonchalantly. “No one’s said fuck all about the music anyway Loco, least of all you.”

“My name isn’t _Loco_.”

“And mine ain’t _Vega_ , so I say we’re square, buddy.”

Shepard burst into laughter and the warm glisten in James’ eyes returned. The shadow of Shepard’s former self almost begged to reach out and discover the soul residing in James’ chest. There was warmth and mischief, something similar to loyalty tentatively making itself known, and Shepard would gladly call the man across from him a friend.

Over time, lack of angel powers, and all that.

“That we are,” Shepard said when James gave him another grin. “So what compelled you to start a conversation with me?”

“Aside from your good looks?”

Shepard scoffed. “Obviously.”

James watched the footpath for awhile before shrugging again. “Look man, when you do my job for as long as I have then you learn the regulars and the outcasts, you know?”

Shepard nodded, not actually knowing what James was even saying, and the man continued. “You come by here every afternoon, alright, and you’re here for an hour or more? Then at five o’clock on the dot, boom! You’re outta here like a scared kitten.”

“Good eye.” Shepard was a little impressed. Just a little.

“‘s what I do, man. In fact, you always do _look_ a little scared,” James squinted at Shepard to make sure he wasn’t bluffing. “Only time you’re never scared is when you hook up with that dude. The look on your face... I dunno, it’s like you feel safe when you’re around him?”

Shepard shrunk in on himself. If only Vega knew just how much. “In a way. It’s a little complicated...”

“I’m only a grunt, buddy,” James held his hands out in a peace offering. “But I have a good ear and pretty bueno advice, if a Loco like you wants to take it.”

“Not sure how I want to take _that_ ,” Shepard smirked, but the expression on James’ face was serious. “Well, I guess.”

Shepard shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket, desperately wishing that he could fall into the sky and be far away from the conversation. “I’m not from around here, you know. I had to start everything fresh, _really_ fresh. Try and get a degree in a foreign land kind of fresh.”

“So you’re fresh?” James grinned.

“Funny. _Hilarious_ , but true. I mean, shit, I wake up at night because sleeping doesn’t feel right and the only time I ever feel alright is when I’m with him, you know?” Shepard ducked his head, the lump in his throat growing with each second. “He’s the only thing keeping me grounded, and I. I don’t know how to tell him that I’m not coping anymore.”

Shepard looked up at the sky and thought he saw a flash of an albatross for a hot second. His jeans felt too tight and the scars on his shoulders began to sear with their phantom pain but he took a deep breath and kept his feet firmly planted on the ground.

“You gotta try.” James decided after a moment. “You can’t give up. Sounds like the guy really cares about you and he probably doesn’t want to see you, uh, break anymore. Just... shit, just _try_."

Then he peered down at his watch and smiled. “Five o’clock, Loco. Better get a move on."

There was a whole outlet of information for Shepard to take in, too much for the space of a few minutes, more than Alighieri and all of his paragraphs, but he was out of his seat and running faster than his wings had ever taken him.

*

Kaidan was having an alright day.

Joker hadn’t fussed too much over the fact that Kaidan had a stable(ish) life partner waiting for him in his apartment every day, his paperwork had finally been handed in _before_ the deadline, there was fresh coffee bubbling away in the pot when his afternoon break had rolled around, and the weather was probably going to behave until he got home.

Jack had even offered to take on his workload for the weekend since she was desperate for a little more overtime pay, but Kaidan had shoved it promptly under his arm with a smile. Maybe he could convince Shepard to rent a movie and gorge on takeout. Chances were slim but it was worth a shot, right?

Until all notions of presenting crisp and clean paperwork to Udina first thing on Monday morning were completely screwed as a bundle of limbs and bright blue eyes collided into Kaidan, sending his paperwork to the floor and the air from his lungs.

It took Kaidan a moment to realise that it was Shepard against him, trying to close in on every part of him in an attempt to just _feel_ , to know every curve and angle as if it were his own. Kaidan found his hands buried in Shepard’s hoodie and brought them to the other man’s face, thumbs tracing the cheekbone and his fingers memorising the battering pulse beneath the skin.

“Hey,” Kaidan breathed. “Look at me, Shepard. I’m right here.”

His eyes met Shepard’s, and Kaidan decided that his eyes were brighter as a human than they were as angel. He had spent enough time looking into them to know for sure.

“I know,” Shepard said softly, arms slinking around Kaidan’s waist. “I’m here as well, Kaidan.”

“Well, good.”

Kaidan pressed their brows together and took a deep breath as the rain started to pour around them, the heavens opening up and battering down on the paperwork around their feet. That moment right then was better than any cocoon of feathers from the downpour, better than all the times spent doubting that a higher being considered Kaidan to be worthy of the man right in front of him.

Shepard swiftly closed the distance. Kaidan forgot about the paperwork.

It could be worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been good at final paragraphs and it's not going to change for this story. I'll keep it short and sweet by saying thank you to every single person who left a kudos and/or comment as it gave me enough encouragement to push through the writers block and give this fic an ending that it deserves. A very big thank you to Mat for polishing up my bad grammar and leaving me little notes through the chapters, and for Rhapsody4u for giving me such a lovely artwork as well!
> 
> But thank you once again. Thank you, thank you, and _thank you ___. ♥


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